Did Anyone Else See That Coming...? Read online

  Did Anyone Else See That Coming…?

  Unpublished Letters to

  EDITED BY

  IAIN HOLLINGSHEAD WITH KATE MOORE

  SIR – I have just finished the eighth book of unpublished letters and need another to keep me sane before sleep each night.

  Jean Adams

  Charlbury, Oxfordshire

  SIR – Give me some vintage cheese and biscuits, a decent bottle of red wine and the Letters page from The Daily Telegraph and I will die a happy man.

  Ian Cribb

  Poole, Dorset

  CONTENTS

  Introduction

  Family Life and Tribulations

  Brexit Britain

  The Use and Abuse of Language

  Home Thoughts on Abroad

  The Roads Much Travelled

  Anti-Social Media

  Royal Blushes

  Good and Bad Sports

  Dear Daily Telegraph

  P.S.

  INTRODUCTION

  It is interesting to consider what has changed in the nine years since I started editing these books of unpublished letters. Certainly, there are more letters about technology – not just the perennial bugbears of mobile phones, dishwashers and toasters that don’t work, but also brand new concerns about everything from drones to driverless cars (how will they know how to pass each other on country lanes?), the Twitter account of the President of the United States to sex robots (do they, too, get headaches?). One correspondent writes this year to share her fear that her Amazon Echo might be trying to murder her. Telegraph readers do their best to keep up with the modern world, even if it does not always meet with their full approval.

  Conversely, there are far fewer letters these days about naughty bankers, phone hackers, footballers, Pippa Middleton, Jeremy Clarkson, the Armed Forces and wind farms – although in the last case, this might be due to an editorial blindness to this most tedious of subjects. Over the course of a decade, the readers have welcomed two American Presidents, several new members of the Royal Family and two British Prime Ministers, with varying degrees of enthusiasm, while trying – and failing – to wean themselves off writing about Tony Blair and Gordon Brown. In only one edition was there nothing about the latter, whereas his nemesis can now boast the dubious honour of having being abused nine years in a row. Perhaps he doesn’t help himself.

  What I am most struck by, however, is the sense of whimsical continuity across the editions. Yes, the world might seem a more dangerous place than it has been for three decades, yet Telegraph letter-writers are still principally concerned by more important topics – such as whether the fruit in Pimm’s constitutes part of their five-a-day, the BBC’s incorrect pronunciation of harassment, and whether they have had more letters published in the newspaper than their neighbours.

  Of course, this is not to say that Telegraph readers inhabit a bubble that is untouched by the dizzying 24-hour news cycle. Here, too, they are more than adept at providing their own refreshing angle. Why is it that North Korea can produce nuclear weapons, but no decent barbers? Has anyone actually tried running through a wheat field, as Theresa May daringly admitted (jolly painful, apparently)? Who can get the words “strong and stable” into the most number of domestic situations? How large would your heating bill have to be to be able to afford to wear Samantha Cameron’s sleeveless garments? Might Jacob Rees-Mogg’s nanny be prepared to join him in the Cabinet? Shouldn’t Jeremy Corbyn remove his Breton-style headwear now that Britain has voted for Brexit? And has anyone else noticed how well Juncker and Tusk serve as ersatz swear words? In these uncertain times, Telegraph letter-writers have shown their true mettle.

  Behind the scenes, you might already have noticed one change on the cover. I am grateful to Kate Moore who, after helping last year with the initial legwork for the book, sorting through the wheat and the chaff as it arrived, produced an early draft of this edition. It has, I believe, benefitted hugely from her keen eye and expert editing. It also allows me to make a more convincing innocent plea to any charge of nepotism, having discovered, quite by chance, that two people I know personally have made it into the book.

  As always, I am also grateful to Matt, Christopher Howse, the Letters Editor, everyone at Aurum Press and, of course, to the incomparable letter-writers themselves. No one, least of all highly paid commentators, appears to be able to predict the twists and turns of the news cycle at the moment. But if the readers didn’t see it coming, they always know exactly what to say when it does.

  Iain Hollingshead

  London SE22

  FAMILY LIFE AND TRIBULATIONS

  WEDDED BLITZ

  SIR – My parents were married on 3 September and my father always referred to their wedding day as “the day war broke out”.

  Trina Golland

  Hatfield, Hertfordshire

  SIR – True love is when your other half offers to slice the onions. My wife does so and has not shed a tear since the day I proposed to her.

  Philip Dawson

  Dorking, Surrey

  SIR – It is getting more and more difficult to find a special gift for the special person in your life. Do you think it would be wise to ring my ex-wife for advice?

  Roger St Taw

  Walsall, West Midlands

  SIR – A colleague once told me he was buying his wife an electric carving knife for Christmas.

  I suggested it would not be a good start to Christmas morning.

  “Oh no,” he said. “She’ll not get it until after the sales start.”

  Peter J. Beckett

  Bromley, Kent

  SIR – Over 40 years ago, when we were first married, my husband bought me a pension book wallet for Christmas. Now that it is coming near to a time when it could be of use, I cannot find it. Unfortunately his present-buying skills have not improved.

  Lesley Ball

  Liskeard, Cornwall

  SIR – My husband is highly intellectual. I found it difficult to interrupt his musings until just recently, when, thanks to University Challenge, I have discovered a new technique for getting his attention: “I’m Mary, I’m from Heysham and [whatever needs to be said].”

  Mary Gibson

  Heysham, Lancashire

  SIR – I am considering writing a book called I Married a Dysfunctional Robot.

  Sheina Burns

  Shaw, Lancashire

  SIR – My wife woke up this morning and decided she would spend the morning making a cake. A little while later she said she had changed her mind, as I would only eat it.

  Life is strange, isn’t it?

  Michael A. Mills

  Appledore, Devon

  SIR – In March this year I will have been married for 33 years. Today my wife complained that I put too much milk in her coffee. Why has it taken her nigh on 35 years to complain?

  G. Brown

  Manchester

  SIR – It does not matter if you are henpecked, provided you are pecked by a good hen.

  John Croft

  Henfield, West Sussex

  SIR – My wife complains that I do not kiss her enough. Is this the time for inventing fish-and-chip-flavoured lipstick?

  Douglas Iles

  Stanford-le-Hope, Essex

  SIR – For Valentine’s Day I bought my wife a defibrillator. It seems to cover all bases.

  Piers Casimir-Mrowczynski

  Gustard Wood, Hertfordshire

  SIR – Has the age of consent been lowered without my noticing? My Valentine card to “A Wonderful Wife” has a note printed on the back: “Warning. Not suitable for children under 36 months”.

  Olwyn Venn

  Norwich

  READING, WRITING AND REP
RODUCTION

  SIR – You report that schools are to provide extra sex education. In view of the low levels of numeracy among our youth, could we please have some emphasis on addition, subtraction and division, as well as multiplication?

  Geoffrey Cullington

  Dorchester, Dorset

  SIR – The recent controversy about sex education reminds me of a training course I once attended where one of the participants asked what the difference was between education and training.

  The tutor replied by saying: “If your young daughter comes home from school and says, ‘We had sex education today’, you might think, good – that saves me a job. On the other hand, if she says, ‘We had sex training today’, you would be horrified.”

  I’ve always thought that sums it up pretty well.

  Barry Graham

  Upton, Cheshire

  SIR – When I was at Marlborough in the 1950s, the Master decided that we should meet more girls.

  Consequently a notice went up saying “Dancing vs St Mary’s Calne”.

  Tim Le Blanc-Smith

  London SW18

  SIR – “A study finds older women have more chance of conceiving with a youthful chap.”

  As a breeder of rabbits during the war, I could have told them that off the cuff.

  Ron Hurrell

  Benfleet, Essex

  #NOTTONIGHTTHANKYOUDEAR

  SIR – Readers must have read your article about sex robots and wondered: Will they have headaches?

  Vivian Bush

  Hessle, East Yorkshire

  SIR – You report that sex will only be for special occasions in the future. I believe the future is already here. I call it getting married and having children.

  Andrew Holgate

  Woodley, Cheshire

  SIR – We read with interest the article about having sex every day for 14 days. As I said to my wife, it might do us good to cut down for a while.

  Malcolm Holland

  Billericay, Essex

  SIR – You report that women over 80 enjoy sex more than younger women. Oh, to have been a witness at just a few breakfast tables to see the reactions from both partners.

  Alan Cubbin

  Weasenham Saint Peter, Norfolk

  SIR – I read that 90 per cent of Cosmopolitan readers had taken a naked selfie.

  Would anyone like to guess how many Daily Telegraph readers had done the same?

  Michael Morris

  Christchurch, Dorset

  APPROPRIATE OFFICE BEHAVIOUR

  SIR – The Telegraph carries a report on a dentist who apparently “carried out inappropriate sexual relations in his office”.

  Call it simple prurience on my part, but I (and, no doubt, quite a number of people who work in offices) would find it helpful to be told what constitutes appropriate sexual relations for carrying out in the office.

  Perhaps it could be published next winter, ahead of the office party season.

  Graeme W.I. Davidson

  Edinburgh

  HOW MANY SLEEPS UNTIL CHRISTMAS?

  SIR – At the weekend I asked an elderly relative, who still gets excited about Christmas, how many “sleeps” there were until the big day. She wasn’t familiar with the expression but soon caught on. Referring to her husband’s propensity to doze off after lunch and during the evening, she said in his case it would be around two hundred.

  David Miller

  Tunbridge Wells, Kent

  HAPPY SNOWMAN DAY

  SIR – I was offered a choice of Christmas stamps at my local post office: “Either the snowmen ones, or the ones with a lady on.”

  The young man behind the counter was quite bemused when I was able to name the lady: Mary. I could name the baby, too.

  Dr Lynda Taylor

  Bury, Lancashire

  SIR – I once overheard a young woman gazing at plastic crucifixes in a seaside souvenir shop ask the assistant if they had any with the little bloke on.

  B.S.

  Chorleywood, Hertfordshire

  SIR – My late father-in-law, who spent most of his working life in the Far East, was invited to the unveiling of a Christmas tableau in a large department store in Japan.

  He was never able to erase from his memory the image of the curtains parting to reveal the crucifixion of Father Christmas.

  Nicolas Robertson

  London SW13

  SIR – Displayed in my local supermarket: “Christmas Mince Pies”. And on the packets: “Use by November 26”.

  Jane Hemsley

  Northwich, Cheshire

  SIR – We received a Christmas card from my husband’s cousin last Christmas. In it he’d written: “Please don’t bother to send us your newsletter again. Our lives are so much more interesting than yours.”

  We have taken the hint.

  J.A.

  Chatham, Kent

  SIR – A retired schoolmaster friend of mine last year received an unsigned and un-postmarked Christmas card, with the cryptic message “Looking forward to seeing you next year!”

  Since then he has daily hoped it had not been sent by the Grim Reaper.

  Elizabeth Lee

  Merstham, Surrey

  HIGHLIGHTS OF A LONG LIFE

  SIR – I told a friend that I was too old to drown; it would take so long for my life to pass before my eyes that I would have time to walk to shore along the bottom.

  She helpfully suggested that my life might pass before my eyes in the form of edited highlights.

  Now scientists have found that this is, in fact, the arrangement, I suppose I must learn to swim – or perhaps have more highlights.

  John Hart

  Chelmsford, Essex

  SIR – I see that we have yet another report recommending that old fogeys like me should stand up every 20 minutes.

  Don’t they realise that it takes me that long to stand up?

  John Jenkins

  Bath

  SIR – I note that scientists are calling for more people to donate their brains to research.

  They are more than welcome to mine – if only I could remember where I put it.

  Michael West

  Amesbury, Wiltshire

  SIR – “Brushing teeth could prevent heart attacks”, according to your headline.

  Does it matter whether the teeth are in the mouth or not?

  Barbara Loryman

  Weedon, Buckinghamshire

  SIR – You report that Judith Kerr, the children’s author, recommends that people carry a note to convey “do not resuscitate” wishes – or perhaps a tattoo – when they get to 75.

  I had the same idea about a tattoo, but when I mentioned it to my daughters, the younger one said it would be no good because doctors would have to iron me first.

  So I’m going for a necklace.

  Sarah Smith

  Deal, Kent

  SIR – Having reached my early seventies, I am wondering about signs of advancing senility among my friends, one of whom I watched yesterday, after a pub lunch, patiently holding his wet hands beneath a rectangular white cabinet bolted to the wall in the gentlemen’s lavatory, waiting for hot air.

  The only problem was that it was a paper towel dispenser.

  Are there other significant signs to start watching out for?

  C.S.M. Mitchell

  Houghton on the Hill, Leicestershire

  SIR – I will reach my 62nd birthday in August. Can anyone tell me when I might expect to suffer my mid-life crisis?

  Steven Broomfield

  Fair Oak, Hampshire

  SIR – Having attained my 70th birthday, I am being told that I don’t look it. What a disappointment. Do I need to dress from head to foot in fawn clothes?

  Keith Rowlands

  Shirenewton, Monmouthshire

  SIR – Twice recently, when giving payment details by phone, I’ve been asked for my expiry date. Hopefully it is considerably longer than that of my credit card.

  Jean Renshaw

  Kingswood, Surr
ey

  SIR – Why is it that so many cruise holidays to exotic, far-flung destinations seem to be advertised as the “ultimate” trip of a lifetime?

  As we enter the twilight years of our lives, the “penultimate” equivalents would be of much greater interest to me and my wife.

  Bruce Chalmers

  Goring-by-Sea, West Sussex

  SIR – I, along with the rest of my contemporaries, will downsize in the next five to ten years without the need to move to smaller housing. We will reside in a box in the ground or become part of the atmosphere via the crematorium chimney.

  Be patient!

  Brian C. Roberts

  Fulwood, Lancashire

  SIR – What can I do to become an inmate at HMP Berwyn? It offers better facilities and is probably cheaper than a care home.

  As a former Royal Marine, I will have a rapport with the Governor.

  B.G. Woolvine

  Corfe Mullen, Dorset

  SIR – My father, Togo, did strenuous exercises every day, ate moderately and drank very little alcohol. He was so anxious to keep up his regime that, aged 73, he prepared for a spell in hospital by getting ahead with his exercises, doing them twice a day for three months.

  His brother Walter eschewed exercise, was a great trencherman and loved his drink.

  Dad died aged 78. Uncle Walter survived into his 90th year. Whose example should I follow?

  John Bromley-Davenport

  Malpas, Cheshire