Stop the World, I Want to Get Off... Read online

Nicholas Guitard

  Poundstock, Cornwall

  ENGLAND OUT OF EUROPE

  SIR — Was losing 2-1 to Iceland really such a terrible result for English football? We could have lost by a huge margin if we had played Sainsbury’s or Tesco.

  Leonard Clark

  Bristol

  SIR — Did the England football team take this Brexit a little too seriously?

  David Hewitt

  Chelmsford, Essex

  SIR — It is a sad reflection that today, as we remember the soldiers who fought for our country in the Battle of the Somme, our England footballers are pictured lying down, crying, because they lost a football match. They were too distraught to congratulate the winning team.

  A.H.

  Yate, Gloucestershire

  SIR — I was walking my standard poodle in the fields today. As so often, he raced back to me at high speed and stopped dead about an inch from my left kneecap. He then did a quick turn, leapt over a nearby grass tussock and sped off at right angles.

  In short, he has fantastic positional skill, he is incredibly quick-footed and he could be exactly what the England football team needs to end its woes.

  A year’s supply of dried tripe and a less-than-obscene fee could clinch the deal.

  W.H.

  Fishlake, South Yorkshire

  SIR — Isn’t it time that only players from the Championship and below were picked to play for England? It worked for Wales.

  G.W. Doggrell

  Kingsley, Hampshire

  SIR — Having lived on a border town all my life where the Welsh were always fervent rugby supporters, it now seems very strange to me to have all my Welsh friends talking about football and all my English friends talking about rugby.

  Doug Morris

  Monmouth

  WINNING POMS

  SIR — I couldn’t help but laugh out loud at the front-page headline in Australia’s Sunday Mail following the England rugby team’s 3-0 thrashing of Australia in the recent series: “Well done England. Now a second continent hates you as well”.

  Robert Readman

  Bournemouth, Dorset

  TOWEL BOYS

  SIR — Given that the BBC’s Today at Wimbledon is reverting to its traditional name and format I hope that Wimbledon’s ball-boys and ball-girls will revert to their traditional role of collecting stray tennis balls, rather than acting as part-time clothes horses and personal valets for the players.

  They should adopt the same approach as my daughter when presented with a used towel and simply drop it on the floor.

  J.B.

  Aldeburgh, Suffolk

  SIR — A ladies’ singles match, particularly in the first week at Wimbledon, lasts just long enough for corporate guests to drink a bottle of champagne with a bowl of strawberries before returning for the next men’s singles.

  Alasdair Ogilvy

  Stedham, West Sussex

  SIR — Why, oh why, when we could have been watching Roger Federer changing his shirt, did the camera pan instead to a football manager sitting in the stands?

  Jane Cullinan

  Padstow, Cornwall

  SIR — This afternoon I thoroughly enjoyed a programme on BBC Two with John Inverdale, Jim Courier and Tim Henman sharing fascinating facts about tennis. It was, however, most inconsiderate of the BBC to try and distract their audience with an accompaniment of a tennis match between James Ward and Novak Djokovic.

  Ian McIlwraith

  Gosport, Hampshire

  SIR — At social functions it has long been a dilemma to know how — without spilling one’s glass — one is supposed give a round of applause to those making the speeches. This year, the Wimbledon crowd beneath the balcony appeared able only to whoop rather than clap respectfully, apparently for fear of disrupting their smartphone footage.

  Is there a solution?

  Jane Park-Weir

  Ellisfield, Hampshire

  SIR — If I can buy a seat for next year’s Wimbledon, I want the one immediately behind Ivan Lendl’s. The only time he stood up was the Championship winner from Andy Murray.

  Allan Littlemore

  Sandbach, Cheshire

  MURRAY’S A CHICKEN DINNER

  SIR — Congratulations to Andy Murray on another Wimbledon triumph. Is it not time that an “Andy Murray” is recognised as the official rhyming slang for curry?

  J. Alan Smith

  Epping, Essex

  SIR — It is indeed time to rename Henman Hill. Perhaps Murray Munro in recognition of Andy’s roots?

  Tessa Fassnidge

  Silverton, Devon

  SIR — Outside the Wimbledon Championships, why is it that Andy Murray always looks like the kid at school who forgot his kit and had to get dressed out of the lost property box?

  John Price

  Meir Heath, Staffordshire

  SIR — Judging by the photographs on your front pages today, playing tennis causes Andy Murray great anguish. He is fit, young and rich; why doesn’t he do something he enjoys?

  Sam Kelly

  Dobcross, Lancashire

  COURIR DE FRANCE

  SIR — Chris Froome had the misfortune to crash his bicycle at one point during the Tour de France but continued on foot to complete that leg of the race. So is the bicycle in a cycle race an optional extra?

  In the event of Lewis Hamilton bumping into the barriers at Monaco, may we expect to see him sprinting along the main thoroughfare to the finishing line like Usain Bolt?

  Peter Thompson

  Sutton, Surrey

  SIR — Watching the crowds cheering on the Tour de France certainly gives the lie to the myth that French women don’t get fat.

  Sandra Hancock

  Dawlish, Devon

  SIR — You show a fine photograph that perfectly encapsulates the glitz of the Monaco Grand Prix: a nonchalant, glamorous blonde and a red Ferrari Formula One car.

  I must, however, take issue with your caption which describes the “ear-splitting whine” of the cars. Today’s hybrid machines discharge a muffled thrum so dull as to make my lawn mower sound sexy in comparison.

  Zog Ziegler

  Haw Bridge, Gloucestershire

  A BRIDGE TOO FAR

  SIR — With regard to the ongoing discussions as to whether the card game bridge is a game or a sport, if you have to change your shoes, it’s a sport. I have yet to meet anyone who changes their shoes to play bridge.

  Tim Sugg

  Hope Valley, Derbyshire

  SIR — Is bridge a sport? No, it is an obsession.

  Julia Bishop

  Leybourne, Kent

  SIR — I’ve had a sports injury for years: a stiff neck as a result of playing too much bridge.

  B.O.

  Princes Risborough, Buckinghamshire

  SIR — It seems entirely reasonable that bridge should be classified as a sport. After all, many top players appear to have mastered cheating already.

  Philip Brennan

  Oxhill, Warwickshire

  TEN-MINUTE MILE

  SIR — Thank goodness that widespread doping in athletics has been revealed. Now my records will be rewarded: one mile in 10 minutes and a high jump of three feet.

  J.E. Barley

  Hessle, East Yorkshire

  SIR — When sporting prowess becomes a political objective the ends usually justify the means.

  I raced in the World Rowing Veteran Championships in Holland in 1996. When the Dutch announced an age check on all competitors in this age-related event the Russian team immediately went home without comment.

  J.A. Whitmore

  York

  SIR — I may be missing something but I am not sure how drugs could have improved the performance of the Russian curling team.

  Helen Wynne-Griffith

  London W8

  SIR — All it needs for the world of sport to send a decisive message that cheating is impermissible is for every contender at Rio to deliberately throw their event, enabling the Russians to secure a
pointless “triumph”.

  Enough to make President Putin take polonium in his tea?

  Iain Colquhoun

  Killay, Swansea

  SIR — Considering his erratic behaviour over the past few years, might it not be a good idea to test Vladimir Putin for drugs?

  Mark Rennie

  Newcastle upon Tyne

  HOME THOUGHTS ON ABROAD

  GREAT EASTERN FACE-OFF

  SIR — Having read about yet more amazing sporting achievements by President Putin I can hardly wait for his final showdown with an all-sports challenge to Kim Jong-un of North Korea. This will make even bigger news than the Great British Bake Off final.

  K.T.

  Rayleigh, Essex

  SIR — We have given an unnecessary boost to Putin’s ego by choosing a man that looks like him to play James Bond. As well as having a strong facial resemblance, Daniel Craig also likes to show off his muscles in a Putin-esque way.

  Liz Wheeldon

  Seaton, Devon

  SIR — On reading the headline, “Perfume inspired by Vladimir Putin goes on sale in Moscow”, I can only assume that it would be “Eau Sauvage”.

  Michael J.B. Watson

  London SW18

  SIR — With regards to Litvinenko, one has to admit that the Russians have made great progress in their chosen area of expertise. They no longer use the ice-pick.

  M.V.

  Great Missenden, Buckinghamshire

  SIR — I am less concerned about the reasons Mr Putin has begun withdrawing his forces from Syria than about where he might be considering deploying them next.

  Air Commodore Michael Allisstone (retd)

  Sidlesham, West Sussex

  SIR — When you consider how much trouble there was in Kyrgyzstan, including a mini-riot when a Briton thought their local sausage was horse penis, is it surprising that there is so much warfare in that part of the world?

  Andrew J. Rixon

  Hertford

  WHILE THE EURO BURNS

  SIR — I have just returned from a holiday in Greece. This may not be an accurate barometer of Greek economic health, but the men have stopped fiddling with worry beads. They are now fiddling with their mobile phones.

  Philip Saunders

  Bungay, Suffolk

  ORLA GUERIN TRAVEL ADVICE

  SIR — I am currently living on the continent for a few months for work. While observing the security advice of our Foreign Office, specifically about Brussels and Paris, I prefer to observe my own security barometer: the Orla Guerin index.

  If I discover she is reporting from these cities I will immediately cease all travel.

  Alex Fox

  Lille, France

  SIR — Some 25 years ago I set off for an impromptu visit to Paris. At Folkestone I found I had left my passport at home. I was advised that the French would not let me in, but that Belgium probably would. At Zeebrugge I was duly given a form to complete. This is what it said: “I — the undersigned — do hereby swear that I am the undersigned. In witness whereof I append my signature.”

  I was relieved and not a little amused to be permitted to enter. It seems less amusing now.

  Christopher Macy

  Wellingore, Lincolnshire

  HOW TO FIGHT ISIL

  SIR — Now that we have the telephone numbers of those recruited by ISIL can we just give the list to a telemarketing firm?

  Philip J. Honey

  Undy Caldicot, Monmouthshire

  SIR — Emulating Boris Johnson’s proposal that we refer to IS as Daesh perhaps the Far Left in British politics could change their favourite epithet from Tory Scum to Conservative Scum?

  Philip Nierop

  Whitestone, Devon

  SIR — Ayatollah Khomeini famously said that there is no humour in Islam. The news that Saudi Arabia is to lead an international coalition against terrorism suggests otherwise.

  Otto Inglis

  Edinburgh

  SIR — Surely the solution to ISIS is to declare that they are now part of the EU? Such a move would result in an instant end to their barbarity as they would be far too busy trying to determine how to deal with a raft of EU legislation.

  Perhaps they could be offered the UK’s position.

  Stuart Mealing

  London E8

  THE HOUSE OF MIGRANTS

  SIR — Should EU leaders set an example by converting the Strasbourg parliament building to permanent accommodation for refugee families? I’m sure the cost would be offset by the reduction in expenses in decamping from Brussels every other month.

  Alan Kirk

  Poole, Dorset

  SIR — I’m afraid the hapless Angela Merkel has done the equivalent of advertising the party of the year on Facebook. She shouldn’t be surprised when the Middle East and Africa turn up for the fun.

  Stephen Webbe

  East Molesey, Surrey

  SIR — Having just seen the picture of Angela Merkel I switched on the television, which was showing a tribute to Bruce Springsteen. There she was again, larger than life at the piano.

  It turned out to be Elton John.

  Geoff Milburn,

  Glossop, Derbyshire

  SIR — After spending 110 days over three and half years traveling around the UK on public transport — including a four-day stay in hospital — I have come to a conclusion: throw the whole lot out and keep the immigrants.

  John Arthur Boyd

  Lenham, Kent

  THE FIRST GENTLEMAN

  SIR — In expressing their condolences on Twitter at the passing of Nancy Reagan, President and Mrs Obama wrote as @POTUS and @FLOTUS.

  Should Mrs Clinton become president one wonders what acronym might be applied to Mr Clinton. HOTPUS perhaps?

  Nicholas Lang

  West Wickham, Greater London

  SIR — Perhaps Bill Clinton will be known as the First Lady Killer.

  Stephen Lawrence

  Bratton, Wiltshire

  BENITO TRUMP

  SIR — Is it just me or does anyone else find that when Donald Trump purses his lips and pouts, he looks just like Benito Mussolini in his pomp?

  I don’t want to be a killjoy but look what happened to him. Donald might be well advised to keep away from piano manufacturers.

  Michael Sheehy

  Maidenhead, Berkshire

  SIR — Is Donald Trump the Leicester City of American politics?

  Peter Thompson

  Sutton, Surrey

  SIR — I am currently reading a collection of Alistair Cooke’s Letter from America.

  On February 23, 1990 he wrote: “Donald Trump, the young, bouncy, blond tycoon whose aspirations to take over hotels, casinos, airlines, resorts, cities — why not the country? — appear to be boundless”.

  What foresight!

  Michael Thomas

  Uffington, Oxfordshire

  SIR — During the Cuban missile crisis of 1962, aged 11, I understood little of the detail but I recognised my parents’ reactions and I was concerned. While parachute training when serving in the armed forces in 1971 I had confidence in the equipment and procedures but I was anxious. For the few seconds between losing control of the car and experiencing my first car accident in 1974 I was scared. When my cardiologist told me in 2013 that I had a blocked coronary artery I was frightened. Today I discovered that Donald Trump has a serious chance of becoming President of the USA and I’m bloody terrified.

  David Mitchell

  Aberdeen

  SIR — If it happens I will invoke the title of the Anthony Newley musical: Stop the world — I Want to Get Off.

  Clive Davidson

  Worsley, Lancashire

  SIR — Statue of Liberty according to Donald Trump:

  Give me your tired, your poor,

  Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

  The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

  Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me:

  I lift my lamp beside the golden door. />
  But as for Muslims? Please — no more.

  Keith Davies

  Telford, Shropshire

  SIR — Donald Trump wants to prevent Muslims entering America. My experience is that it is quite difficult for white English Protestants in their seventies to enter America.

  It is not a welcoming country.

  Alan Hughes

  Minster-on-Sea, Kent

  SIR — Why ban Donald Trump from visiting Britain? With the pantomime season…

  H.W.

  Lesbury, Northumberland

  SIR — If Donald Trump does come here, he must be made aware that the rodent he balances on his head will have to be quarantined for six months.

  Geoff Smith

  Gretna, Dumfriesshire

  SIR — Donald Trump and Boris Johnson bring to mind a political jibe about the Wartime Minister of Information whose suitability for office was equally suspect: “Everything about you is a phoney. Even your hair which looks like a wig — isn’t.”

  Adrian Bracken

  Marbella, Spain

  SIR — Please would the letters editor re-open the recent correspondence about neologisms, as I have just the one for Donald Trump: Ignoranus, a person who is at once thick and an a***hole.

  Timothy Martin

  London W1

  SIR — After watching yet another speech with Donald Trump ranting and raving, saying anything to keep the headlines rolling, I was reminded of a football match from the late seventies which became a worldwide phenomenon.

  A dog ran on the pitch, gained possession of the ball and, for a period of time, the game could not continue as the dog received all the attention.