Did Anyone Else See That Coming...? Read online

  FIT KNIT

  SIR – My wife has discovered that she can achieve 10,000 steps while wearing her wrist pedometer and sitting on the sofa knitting.

  Andrew Rance

  Basingstoke, Hampshire

  SIR – A year or two ago I read a flyer for Nordic walking poles which assured me that I would burn 20 per cent more calories.

  I decided to forgo the experience and thus travel 20 per cent further per Mars Bar.

  Marcus Croome

  Truro, Cornwall

  THE THIN OF THE LAND

  SIR – l was intrigued to read the statement from Professor Steve Jones claiming that a raw-food diet “will kill you in months”.

  My “nutty sister”, as we kindly call her, has been living off the land, eating raw food only, somewhere in the French wilderness for over 40 years. She has been trying very hard to convince the rest of our family that we’ve got it all wrong. She hasn’t had much luck.

  There is one advantage: they are no bother when they visit. They arrive with a van packed with crates full of fruit, vegetables and nuts.

  Rosmarie Hall

  Canterbury

  SIR – Kale is disgusting and really only fit for cattle or celebrities.

  Christopher Seaton

  Sidmouth, Devon

  SIR – I have to admit that I am completely indifferent to Marmite. Does this mean that I have a problem?

  T.W.D. Smith

  Sheffield

  SIR – Scientists have suggested that it may be possible to genetically modify quinoa to create a superfood that is destined to feed the world. This seems a long way away when half the world cannot spell quinoa and the other half cannot pronounce it.

  Clive Pilley

  Westcliff-on-Sea, Essex

  SIR – Why don’t people who consume “energy” drinks have the stamina to bin or take home their empties?

  Hugh Wiseman

  Saffron Walden, Essex

  SIR – I think gulls should be encouraged to steal food from people eating in the street.

  Ian McMullen

  Doddington, Kent

  SIR – I have been imbibing a generous daily dosage of high-strength fish oil for some 20 years and have rarely been subject to heavy colds or flu.

  There have been few side-effects, including possibly a slight scaliness of the skin, but swimming has become effortless.

  Barry Bond

  Leigh-on-Sea, Essex

  SIR – In January, when every expert is giving us their foolproof diet and exercise regime, are not the words at the end of every such article – “Please check with your doctor before starting any diet or exercise” – somewhat strange?

  The utopian idea of having a cosy 30-minute chat with our GP about the relative merits of the 5:2 or the total fasting diet – or what type of exercise he most favours – is frankly pie-in-the-sky.

  By the time you even get the appointment in three weeks’ time you will have lost the will to live, never mind diet.

  Gay Rhodes

  Cheadle Hulme, Cheshire

  SIR – Following reports that every cup of coffee consumed prolongs life by nine minutes, if one drinks the coffee in less than nine minutes and continues to do so uninterrupted, immortality would seem to be guaranteed – plumbing difficulties notwithstanding.

  James Omer

  Shotteswell, Oxfordshire

  SIR – Such is the present depressing state of governance in this country that I am sorely tempted to cease consuming coffee.

  Frank Felton

  Stapleford, Cambridgeshire

  SIR – Everybody eats. Everybody dies. Food is bad for you.

  Harry Wood

  Manchester

  SIR – There were doughnuts in the staffroom on my first day at work as a new graduate in 1984. It was a huge boost to my confidence when I learnt they were to celebrate my arrival. The next day there were doughnuts to celebrate a member of staff’s birthday. The next day there were doughnuts to celebrate the beautiful Plymouth April weather. The next day there were doughnuts …

  Sally Goulden

  Ashford, Middlesex

  SIR – Dietary requirements have finally reached the Church of England. Last Sunday my wife overheard a member of the congregation at our local parish church ask a warden if the communion wafers were gluten-free.

  Philip Samengo-Turner

  Cirencester, Gloucestershire

  FIVE POTIONS A DAY

  SIR – To increase my consumption of fruit and vegetables, I intend to drink more Pimm’s.

  Jennie Gibbs

  Goring-by-Sea, West Sussex

  SIR – My grandmother pushed her empty glass towards her adult granddaughter and announced: “My usual.”

  To which the response was: “And the magic word is?”

  My grandmother’s reply: “Whisky.”

  Gay Wilmot-Smith

  North Marston, Buckinghamshire

  SIR – Whenever my late, bibulous father was asked in restaurants whether he’d like some water, he invariably replied: “No, thanks, I’ve already washed.”

  Charles Doxat

  London W1

  SIR – I wish beer manufacturers would invent a silent ring-pull system for their cans. I’m fed up with the sound of the wife saying: “Oh, you’re not having another one, are you?”

  Michael Cattell

  Mollington, Cheshire

  FAST WOMEN

  SIR – It’s reported that women are now drinking more than men, but it seems to me that they are also eating much faster than men. Every time I have taken a woman for a meal lately – particularly younger women – they are scraping their plates when I have hardly finished saying grace.

  I am beginning to suspect that some kind of secret evolutionary race is going on here, and it worries me.

  Graham Masterton

  Tadworth, Surrey

  WHERE’S HARRY?

  SIR – I have just bought some fruit from Waitrose. According to the labels, my strawberries were packed by Harry Hall in West Sussex, whereas my raspberries were packed by Harry Hall in Berkshire.

  May I suggest that Mrs Hall keeps close tabs on Harry as he obviously gets about?

  Anthony Perrin

  Farnham, Surrey

  COSY TEA

  SIR – All too often a pot of tea in a hotel or seaside café comes naked to the table. My hat then comes to the rescue, much to the embarrassment of my wife. As a bonus, I then have a nice warm hat to wear when venturing back outside.

  Andrew Baxter

  Banbury, Oxfordshire

  PISCES DE RESISTANCE

  SIR – After long resistance I have been persuaded to try a dish of calamari and can only imagine the experience as akin to eating frittered gastric bands.

  John Allen

  Henley-on-Thames, Oxfordshire

  SIR – It seems that most pubs are now referred to as gastropubs. Having been to quite a few I have come to the conclusion that in some the “gastro” seems to stand for gastronomic, whereas in others gastroenteritis would seem to be more appropriate.

  Richard Dalgleish

  Kingsclere, Berkshire

  ALES AND GRACES

  SIR – A friend once ran a pub called the Duke of Hamilton. I called in one morning to find him chortling over a letter he had just received from the local Conservative association. It began “Your Grace . . .”

  He had it framed and hung in the public bar.

  Jane Cullinan

  Padstow, Cornwall

  SIR – We have several charity shops in our town, but no charity pubs. Why is this?

  Philip Saunders

  Bungay, Suffolk

  SIR – I lost half my right index finger in an accident as a young boy, and far from being a handicap, I have always found it enormously useful when attempting to order four and a half pints in a crowded and noisy bar.

  Graham Snowdon

  Sheffield

  SIR – Seen on the side of a van belonging to the local pub: “No barmaids are kept i
n this van overnight”.

  David Birkett

  Normanton, Nottinghamshire

  SIR – Few of we that survive are able to recall with glowing pride those halcyon days when every public house in the land served only mild and bitter beers.

  A recent private survey took me to more pubs in a week than I had visited in years. My request for a “Pint of bitter, please” was met with one of two responses: either “What is that?” or “Can you point to it?”

  When I asked the whereabouts of the parlour or snug, the blank looks were sufficient to make an old soldier weep into his dimple.

  Edward Dunleavy

  Chesterfield, Derbyshire

  SIR – Charles Moore quite rightly deplores swearing in pubs. When smoking was prohibited in 2007, enterprising landlords compensated by constructing outside shelters. Would it not be possible to provide those who insist on using bad language with a similar construction, perhaps with soundproofing, wherein they may exchange expletives without upsetting those of a sensitive disposition or children?

  C.D.

  Burton in Kendal, Cumbria

  LET THEM EAT TREATS

  SIR – We had the most darling trick or treaters last night. One little girl proudly proclaimed herself to be a “zombie Marie Antoinette”.

  Stephen Webbe

  East Molesey, Kent

  COLONEL (TIRED)

  SIR – Our son asked our three-and-a-half-year-old grandson if he knew the meaning of “retired”. “A little tired” came the confident reply.

  Colin T. Barrett

  West Wickham, Kent

  SIR – I retired nearly 20 years ago, since when I have been so busy that I cannot imagine how I ever had time to go to work.

  When I mentioned this a few years ago to my wife’s uncle, who as the Dean of Windsor had recently retired, he commented that in his opinion retirement was a job for a much younger man.

  Richard Graves

  Canon Frome, Herefordshire

  DEPRESSED GRANDPARENTS

  SIR – My husband avoided the depressing term Grandad by introducing Pof. The current translation is Pompous Old Friend. Further translation will be forthcoming on puberty.

  E.P.

  Newbourne, Suffolk

  SIR – We will be fostering a cat for a month or two while her staff goes abroad. As she shares her name (Millie) with our granddaughter, it will be interesting to see who comes first when called.

  Kay Clifton

  West Horsley, Surrey

  SIR – Not only does looking after grandchildren add five years to your life, as you report, it makes it seem like ten.

  S.P.

  Bridgend

  SIR – Having just had my first promotion to “Grandpa”, I believe I now fully understand the difficulties of modern motherhood.

  The contraptions that they have to deal with are excruciating. Pushchairs must be the worst. As an experienced engineer I could passably explain the theory of flight, jet engines and nuclear reactors, but I couldn’t collapse the pushchair when I was left with the granddaughter.

  Probably designed by a man.

  Michael West

  Bishopstoke, Hampshire

  SIR – My three-year-old granddaughter calls me Gaga. I am yet to discover if this is a term of endearment or an assessment of my mental state.

  David Nunn

  West Malling, Kent

  SIR – My grandchildren call me Hump. My stepdaughters call me Faux Pa.

  P.R.

  Winchester

  SIR – When our first grandson was born, my wife asked me if I’d prefer to be called Grandpa or Grandad.

  I said, “Neither. I just want to be called Phil.”

  My wife said, “Don’t be silly. You can’t be called Phil. Why are you so always so grumpy? You can be called Grumpy.”

  And to this day, I’m “Grumpy”.

  Phil Jones

  Cheltenham, Gloucestershire

  SIR – There is a village called Old Sodbury in the Cotswolds. Whenever we drive through my wife looks at me and raises a knowing eyebrow.

  Dr Russell Steele

  Exeter

  AN R BY ANY OTHER NAME

  SIR – A few years ago, when asked for my initials over the phone, I replied “R for Robert”.

  Sure enough, next day I received a letter from the party concerned addressed to “Arthur Robert Cory”.

  Robert Cory

  Altrincham, Cheshire

  SIR – I was told by my history master that the correct way to declare your name on the telephone was without the prefix “mister”. He told us that unless you had a specific title, the timbre of your voice should be enough to declare your sex. This has resulted in some people referring to me as Sir Mengo Turner.

  Philip Samengo-Turner

  Cirencester, Gloucestershire

  GENDER AGENDAS

  SIR – You report that the London Underground is replacing the announcement “Ladies and gentlemen” as it’s not gender-neutral. But apparently “guys” is.

  Edward Thomas

  Eastbourne, East Sussex

  SIR – In 1958, when I was a cadet in the CCF, I can recall a fellow cadet telling me of an Army form that he had reason to complete, which had a tick box for Male and a tick box for Female.

  Below these it said: “If neither, state both”.

  All of today’s gender quandaries solved?

  Angus Jacobsen

  Inverbervie, Angus

  SIR – I hate it when a shop assistant asks: “Is she (or he) your partner?”

  No, mate, we’ve been married for 45 years and she’s my wife (or husband) or, come to that, my mate.

  Partners are the Lone Ranger and Tonto, or Torvill and Dean.

  Kevin Platt

  Walsall, West Midlands

  HELP TO BUY

  SIR – Some years ago my wife sent me to her favourite supermarket with a long list, made in her characteristic recursive style, and not in any particular order. I sought the guidance of another man of mature years, who seemed pleased to be relieved of shelf-stacking duties. Together we worked our way down the list and back and forth between aisles, until we were left with one line, which appeared to be of four letters, of which the first appeared to be “s” and the last “t”.

  We agreed that it could not possibly read what one’s first attempt made it. I decided it must read “suet”, which is what I took home, to my wife’s surprise.

  She had written her version of “fruit”.

  Christopher Macy

  Wellingore, Lincolnshire

  SIR – I am disappointed that Tesco is about to ban the wearing of pyjamas in their stores. I was hoping that my husband could pop out for a bit of shopping in his night attire.

  Could be a bit chilly around the freezers, mind, as he doesn’t wear any.

  Tricia Camm

  Ruswarp, North Yorkshire

  SIR – I have long thought that department stores should have male-only seating areas provided for husbands/partners of female shoppers.

  Ideally they would have comfortable easy chairs, free coffee and several copies of the Telegraph available.

  Chris Williamson

  Blyth, Nottinghamshire

  SIR – I spend so much time waiting in the car while my wife tours the local M&S that I have decided that it would be the appropriate place, eventually, for my ashes to be scattered.

  Alan Thomas

  Caerphilly, Glamorgan

  SIR – A year ago in New York at the cosmetics counter of Saks Fifth Avenue my husband, a man’s man, hitched up onto a white leather and chrome high chair. While I was occupied with choosing facial creams, a beautiful, voluptuous assistant leant over him, flooded him with flattery, applied instant tan to his face and snipped off his Denis Healey eyebrows; he didn’t make a murmur.

  Cecilia Timmington

  Birkdale, Lancashire

  SIR – After the success of Fifty Shades of Grey, perhaps Marks & Spencer could reverse its fortunes by becomi
ng S&M.

  Sheelagh James

  Lichfield, Staffordshire

  SIR – As an independent retailer, I read with interest of Amazon’s latest plans to bring their “Go” store concept to the UK High Street, where items are placed in baskets and shoppers are charged as they leave.

  I think this is what we quaintly used to call “a shop”.

  Joanna Coleman

  Shotley, Northamptonshire

  SIR – When I asked where cloves might be in a nearby supermarket, the assistant suggested that I “look on the ’angers by the door.”

  Trish Page

  Alcester, Warwickshire

  DRESSING MR AVERAGE

  SIR – I have recently joined in the trend of playing walking football, and bought a new pair of trainers for the purpose. I was surprised to see printed on the box: “Average contents: two”.

  Presumably some poor soul will find only one trainer in the box, while Jake the Peg will be fortunate enough to get all three shoes in one purchase.

  Michael Price

  Ashford, Middlesex

  SIR – Can any of your expert readers explain why my belt buckles move round my waist without any effort on my part – even when I have been largely sedentary?