Stop the World, I Want to Get Off... Read online

  Wool, Dorset

  SIR — As someone with the misfortune to have bought a computer installed with Windows 10, may I suggest that if we are not already under a cyberattack, the aforementioned is as close to the real thing as we are likely to get.

  John P. Hunter

  Shaw, Wiltshire

  VODAFONE TORTURERS

  SIR — When trying to arrest General Noriega on drug-trafficking charges, the Americans used repetitive loud rock music, blasted through large speakers, to wear down his resolve and drive him mad.

  I wonder why Vodafone seems intent on treating their customers in the same way as a Panamanian dictator.

  Joel Kissin

  London SW3

  SIR — It is reported that TalkTalk has had a ransom demand after being the victims of data theft. How on earth did the culprits manage to get through to the company to speak to somebody in authority?

  Philip Moger

  East Preston, West Sussex

  SIR — In view of the time it takes to connect to HMRC perhaps they should play Handel’s Messiah in full.

  Malcolm Johnson

  Petersfield, Hampshire

  SIR — I recently telephoned the pest control department of Guildford Borough Council. I listened to all five verses of A Mouse Lived in a Windmill in Old Amsterdam. I quite enjoyed it.

  Auriel Rankmore

  Ash, Surrey

  SIR — Included in the medley of hold music when telephoning our local doctors’ surgery is the theme music from The Ladykillers.

  Mik Shaw

  Goring-by-Sea, West Sussex

  CHIEF KILLJOY OFFICER

  SIR — Your report on the Chief Medical Officer’s latest alcohol advice reminds me of one of George Gurdjieff’s pithy sayings. There are, he said, only two types of doctor on this planet: the first kind helps you to die; the other prevents you from living.

  Mark Ellison

  Long Buckby, Northamptonshire

  SIR — When I was a medical student I had a textbook called Clinical Pharmacology. In its section about giving advice to patients was a rhyme as follows:

  My doctor’s issued his decree

  That too much wine is killing me.

  And furthermore his ban he hurls

  Against me touching naked girls.

  How now, must I no longer share

  My life, with beauties, dark and fair.

  Doctor, Goodbye, my sails unfurled,

  I’m off to join the other world.

  Perhaps Professor Dame Sally Davies should take note.

  Dr David Layfield

  Farnsfield, Nottinghamshire

  SIR — As the medical profession comes to look more and more like the provisional wing of the Band of Hope, I cannot help recalling how, in the high and far-off times when I was a student, the medical students were the heaviest drinkers of us all.

  On second thoughts, that probably explains a lot.

  Sue McNaughton

  Eastergate, West Sussex

  SIR — I am now told I can enjoy only 14 units of alcohol a week. That’s fine; I just won’t enjoy the rest.

  Ros Mackay

  Porthallow, Cornwall

  SIR — Some years ago I was at a lecture when the question was asked: “Why is the limit for women 14 units but 21 for men?”

  The professor replied: “The levels are based on the amount individuals admit to drinking, and women are better liars than men.”

  Dr Alan Prowse

  Leatherhead, Surrey

  SIR — If I am to keep up with the amount of alcohol consumed by the average woman in Newcastle upon Tyne, I shall have to increase my consumption considerably.

  Brian D. Hamilton

  Ponteland, Northumberland

  SIR — Since retiring, my evening routine has been to relax with a pint of Guinness as I listen to The Archers. But, due to the fiendish antics of this terrible fellow Rob Titchener, I have had to switch to a double malt whisky every evening to keep me calm.

  Ron Kirby

  Dorchester, Dorset

  SIR — My local pub has its own suggestions for Dry January: dry gin, dry white wine, dry martini, dry cider.

  Sandy Pratt

  Dormansland, Surrey

  SIR — What evidence is there that in Islamic countries or societies, which ban alcohol, they are healthier than the rest of us?

  Michael Bashford

  Bournemouth, Dorset

  SIR — Attitudes to alcohol consumption vary with geographical latitude. The Mediterranean countries love it; the Fins ban it; and the English argue about it endlessly.

  Peter Tillotson

  Valencia, Spain

  SIR — My wife and I were so depressed by your headline, “Give up all drink or risk dementia” that we found ourselves forced to open a second bottle this evening.

  Rod Cochrane

  Wanstrow, Somerset

  SIR — So now it’s official: I really am drinking to forget.

  I.F.

  Co. Kerry

  SIR — My mother had dementia, but never drank, smoked or had sex other than while praying for forgiveness.

  She did, however, do the Telegraph crossword. Could that be the cause of her dementia?

  K.P. Jones

  Halesowen, West Midlands

  OF MICE AND MEN

  SIR — A drug which has been found to reverse the effects of Alzheimer’s disease in mice is the latest in a long line of drugs (to treat everything from heart disease to cancer) which have been discovered to be effective in mice.

  Unfortunately, these treatments often run into problems when scientists try to apply them to humans.

  I am just wondering: since we can now cure mice of just about everything, is it now possible to rear an immortal mouse?

  A.W.

  Bristol

  FIRST POWER WASHER OF SPRING

  SIR — One of the first harbingers of spring used to be the sound of lawnmowers chugging into life. This now seems to have been superseded by the drone of power washers.

  James Logan

  Portstewart, Co Londonderry

  SIR — Today I saw my first schoolboy vaping (I won’t mention the school). Is this, like the first cuckoo in spring, a good sign?

  Rodney Hedley

  London SE5

  WATER TABLES

  SIR — The residents of Eglwyswrw in Pembrokeshire have had to endure 82 continuous days of rain. They should, however, be comforted that they do not live in Norway.

  Local folklore relates the tale of a visiting American tourist, standing in the pouring rain, asking a nearby youth: “Does it ever stop raining in this country?”

  The Norwegian boy replies: “I don’t know. I’m only 12.”

  Craig Kennedy

  Brookfield, Renfrewshire

  SIR — My husband came back from one of his solitary walks on the fells, in poor weather. I asked if there had been any bad moments and he said yes, there had: he was afraid someone who was approaching him was going to say hello. But the danger passed.

  Sarah Latimer

  Melton, Suffolk

  SIR — After bailing out my flooded vegetable garden for the third time, I was somewhat consoled to be reminded that volatile climates are not new.

  In 1768 the naturalist Gilbert White wrote: “A wet season began about 9th of June, which lasted thro’ haymaking, harvest and seed-time, and did infinite mischief to the country.”

  Vanessa Travers

  Epsom, Surrey

  SIR — When I fully retired two years ago, I had a vision of long leisurely lunches in the garden with a well-chilled glass or two of white. So far, due to our Lancashire weather, I have managed three cups of tea.

  Steve Cartridge

  Egerton, Lancashire

  SOLIPSISTIC STORMS

  SIR — Abigail, Barney, Clodagh, Desmond and now Eva — ever since we started naming storms they have caused record damage. They are obviously encouraged by all the attention they are getting.

  Peter Turvey
<
br />   Guildford, Surrey

  SIR — My late father was called Desmond, my later mother-in-law Eva and now the next storm is Frank, the name of my late father-in-law. Are they trying to tell us something?

  Sue Ward

  London N20

  SIR — Is there a list somewhere of all the silly storms yet to come? It would be helpful to know which names to avoid for future family births. I also hope my name does not figure on the list.

  Jeffrey Pack

  London W5

  HEY, JUNIOR

  SIR — After years of ridiculing my parents for being unable to call me by my given name until they had gone through my brothers’ and the dogs’ names first, I now find myself doing the same thing to my sons.

  Is anyone able to explain why a parent cannot call a child by their correct name at the first attempt?

  Chris Bands

  Priors Dean, Hampshire

  SIR — According to your report, it seems that very few babies nowadays are being called Nigel. I put this down to collective national grief after the sad demise of Nigel Pargetter, who fell off a roof to his death in The Archers.

  Ian Coldicott

  Norwich

  SIR — Your article about the shortage of new Nigels should concentrate the minds of new parents. I recently suffered a heart attack and now attend rehabilitation exercises twice a week. Our group of 12, which I am told is fairly typical, contains three Michaels and only three women.

  Michael Gale

  Windlesham, Surrey

  SIR — My mother always told me I was her second favourite child. Unfortunately, I was her only one.

  David Parker

  Rhayader, Powys

  SIR — Reading Alice Smellie’s column about how proud she was of her name reminded me of a favourite story of my father’s. As a child he and his friends would find people with the name Smellie in the telephone directory, phone them up and when the phone was answered, shout: “What are you going to do about it then?” — and then hang up.

  Zanzie Griffin

  Sheldon, Devon

  SIR — Alice Smellie’s article reminded me of my friend Susan Crap. At least she didn’t have to spell it.

  Mark Solon

  London N1

  A ROOM OF MY OWN

  SIR — My wife and I decided many years ago that one part of a happy marriage was to agree how all shared spaces be decorated, kept and used, but that each should have one room entirely as their own space, free of spousal diktat, in which to be themselves.

  Hers is light, airy and feminine, while mine is dark and lined with over 1,000 books on military history; the remaining space is largely devoted to oddments of militaria.

  My wife has christened it, rather charmingly I think, the Bower. It stands for Boring Old So-and-So Room.

  Victor Launert

  Matlock Bath, Derbyshire

  SIR — When our family lived in Japan we had a small room within our lounge with obscured glass walls. From time to time our young son was sent there to count to ten and reflect upon his bad behaviour.

  Upon our return to the UK the removal men were very keen to know where — and indeed if — they could unpack the box marked “naughty room”.

  Michelle Bull

  London SW19

  SIR — My office-cum-study in the barn adjoining the house is known as “the kennel”. The dog and I both love it — a place in which we can fart in peace.

  T.G.-G.

  Chagford, Devon

  SIR — My niece was having the utility room refitted when the then Leader of the Labour Party was in the dock for having two kitchens. The resulting space is always referred to as the Miliband.

  Chris Swindley

  North Luffenham, Rutland

  A YEAR IN POLITICS

  CULTURE CLUB

  SIR — I note that John Whittingdale visited a lap-dancing club as part of his duties. I wonder if any of your readers can help me understand whether lap dancing is culture, media or sport.

  Malcolm Woods

  Southend on Sea, Essex

  SIR — One wonders if the sex worker is receiving support and counselling after finding out that she was having a relationship with an MP.

  Alex Orr

  Edinburgh

  FACING UP TO BOATY

  SIR — My understanding is that it is acceptable to change the name of a boat providing you tell the boat why. I trust, therefore, that Jo Johnson, the Science Minister, will have the courage to face Boaty McBoatface and publicly explain why her democratically chosen name is to be ditched in favour of something selected by her self-serving political masters.

  Phil Sampson

  Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire

  SIR — Can I suggest that Sir David Attenborough now changes his name to Boaty McBoatface, thereby forcing the science and technology select committee to name the boat correctly.

  Greig Bannerman

  Frant, East Sussex

  SIR — As a citizen of the USA, and a descendent of a participant of the Battle of Bunker Hill (the winning side, mind you), I feel I must state my disappointment with your Parliament for disavowing the UK public’s overwhelming vote. In my opinion this is a perfect example of what is wrong with a constitutional monarchy.

  Until such time as your Parliament restores the fine name, Boaty McBoatface, I shall be forced to boycott all things British, including my Friday serving of fish and chips.

  And before you start slinging Donald Trump jokes my way, please keep in mind that if he is elected, it will probably hurt you more than it will me.

  D.W.

  Chicago, Illinois

  NO, YOU KHAN’T

  SIR — If Donald Trump becomes President will the Mayor of London be allowed into the United States?

  Bob Stebbings

  Chorleywood, Hertfordshire

  SIR — Now that we have a Muslim mayor of London can we not have a Catholic monarch?

  P.S.

  Jersey, Channel Islands

  SIR — In Scotland a state-educated lesbian Conservative has just become the Leader of the Opposition. In London a state-educated Muslim socialist of Asian origin has just been elected Mayor of London. Will we soon need positive legislation to protect Old Etonian WASPs seeking public office?

  Anthony Rodriguez

  Staines upon Thames, Middlesex

  WHAM HAM THANK YOU CAM

  SIR — Here in our favourite local pub, where current affairs are always discussed with all the seriousness they deserve, tonight we have been wondering: at formal occasions in Mr Cameron’s old Oxford College, is the convention still observed that you must pass the pork to the left?

  Brus Watters

  Sherborne, Dorset

  SIR — I once heard the CEO of a major British company say that he was disinclined to give employment to graduates with first-class degrees from Oxbridge because such people have spent all their time at university studying, instead of experiencing the elements of student life that allow them to become rounded individuals.

  The fact that our Prime Minister behaved like most other students makes him a far better leader than a goody-two-shoes.

  John Franklin

  London N1

  SIR — I believed that British politics was corrupt until I read that all Lord Ashcroft got for the £8 million he gave to the Tories was the offer of a post as a junior whip.

  Dr John Doherty

  Stratford-upon-Avon, Warwickshire

  DCTRS ON STRKE

  SIR — I notice that all the placards being held by the striking junior doctors in the recent strike were either typed or stamped.

  Is this because we would not understand their protest if we had to attempt to read their writing on the placards?

  Malcolm Freeth

  Bournemouth, Dorset

  SIR — Jeremy Hunt’s decision to enforce his changes to the NHS suggests that James Naughtie’s slip was not inappropriate.

  I dare you to publish this.

  Mark Davies FRCS


  Old Chalford, Oxfordshire

  SIR — What’s the difference between God and the Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt? At least God knows he’s not Jeremy Hunt.

  Susanna Bailey

  Eaton Hastings, Oxfordshire

  SIR — As it is practically impossible to book an appointment fewer than four weeks in advance, a strike by doctors at our local surgery would pass almost unnoticed.

  Dennis Graves

  Crowborough, East Sussex

  SIR — In the room of the Oxfordshire hotel where I am currently staying there is a guest information book which states: “Should you have need of a doctor we can make immediate arrangements for you to be seen.”

  Is this the answer to the GP appointment crisis: book into an hotel in Oxfordshire?

  B.G.

  Harrogate, North Yorkshire

  SIR — In order to cut demand and queues at GP surgeries, they should review my local doctor’s surgery in the Peak District in the 1970s. The waiting room, a thin, non-soundproofed room next to the consulting room, ensured that one never went to the GP for anything other than a sprained ankle.

  Patrick Fuller

  Upper Farringdon, Hampshire

  SIR — My best chance to see an NHS doctor is to visit a picket line.

  Roger Powell

  Worcester

  SIR — I think I would have more sympathy with the junior doctors if, on the television news reports, they did not look so happy and excited, rather like schoolchildren who have an unexpected day off.

  John Pigott

  Ringmer, East Sussex