Must I Repeat Myself...? Read online

  Ross Ellens

  Stony Stratford, Buckinghamshire

  Too much information

  SIR – I store vast amount of data, including personal details, images and unverified information on other people, in a supercomputer called “brain”.

  While usually secure, it has been known to inadvertently share information when hacked via the “alcohol” malware.

  I have not informed all of the people whose data I hold.

  This data is intended to be stored on a lifetime basis.

  All data will be destroyed at some unknown future date.

  Please advise me how I would proceed under the General Data Protection Regulation.

  Keith Farrow

  Chippenham, Wiltshire

  SIR – While giving a lift to my nephew the other day I asked him about his taste in music. He gave a shrug and said that he streamed his music from Spotify. He then revealed that, on International Women’s Day, Spotify had messaged him to say that he wasn’t listening to much music from female artists. Spotify had monitored his listening and sent him a score.

  I look forward to my credit card telling me that I spend too much on alcohol, and my electricity supplier telling me that I am staying up too late for my health.

  Gwilym Hughes

  Littlehampton, West Sussex

  SIR – Given the furore over the possible misuse of Facebook personal data, perhaps now is the time to give some publicity to the little known Hereford Quill Pen Society which aims to take us back 200 years.

  For a modest fee members are issued with a quill pen, and a small club hammer with which to smash any piece of electronic equipment with which they come into contact.

  Michael Hawthorne

  Madley, Herefordshire

  SIR – I have received a “permission to hold my data” GDPR email from a funeral company of which I have never heard, in which they told me that I was a “valued customer”.

  I am wondering who has been masquerading as me – or whether I have actually used their services and now exist in a reincarnated form.

  There is hope yet for an afterlife.

  Martin Watts

  Chalfont St Giles, Buckinghamshire

  SIR – Royal Mail is encouraging businesses to use unaddressed mail to get round new EU laws. I intend to stop putting junk mail in my recycling bin and instead use the bright red one at the end of the street which the Post Office has kindly provided.

  Brian Donaldson

  Orrell, Lancashire

  SIR – My late father dealt with junk mail by endorsing each item with a clip-art style image of two fingers making the V sign, above a seven-letter caption which both started and finished with the letter F.

  Then he posted it back.

  B.R.

  Billericay, Essex

  SIR – Among the many emails sent to me about the GDPR, one of the more confusing is from an IT company which advises me: “If in doubt contact us immodestly.”

  Philip Wright

  London SW11

  Dumb technology

  SIR – Having just purchased my first smartphone at the age of 76, I now understand why everyone is walking around staring at their phones.

  They are trying to understand them.

  Ralph Barnes

  Christchurch, Dorset

  SIR – I see that WhatsApp is down. I wonder how many people will suddenly find out that their handheld devices can also make phone calls.

  Robin Whiting

  Castle Rising, Norfolk

  SIR – I need to be very careful in the kitchen when using my iPad Pro tablet.

  It’s identical in size to our kitchen scales.

  Stephen Gledhill

  Chadbury, Worcestershire

  SIR – With all the advanced technology in this world, how is it that, as usual, I have cut my thumb when opening a tin of corned beef?

  Susan Apedaile

  Sheffield

  SIR – With the demise of the Yellow Pages, how will strong men or women demonstrate their strength now?

  Thomas Wood

  Lastingham, North Yorkshire

  SIR – My smart meter is so secure that even my electricity supplier cannot get information out of it.

  S. McVey

  Kingsdown, Kent

  SIR – Front-page headline of The Daily Telegraph: “‘Smart homes’ will tell you to get off the sofa”.

  I don’t need a “smart home” to tell me that – I already have a wife.

  John Fox

  Stamford, Lincolnshire

  SIR – It is often observed that pets and their owners become alike over the years. Could the same be said for computers? Ours is dictatorial and slow.

  Carole King

  Ilfracombe, Devon

  SIR – In light of my husband’s craving for North Korea’s superior broadband service, I have unselfishly suggested he relocate.

  Diane Learmont-Hughes

  Caldy, Wirral

  SIR – One of my son’s early habits was to call all phones “Daddy”. I may have been working too hard at the time.

  M.S.

  London E1

  SIR – My wife received an Amazon Echo for Christmas and we have found it to be interesting and enjoyable to use.

  We have noticed lately, however, that Alexa has started to interject in conversations with her own advice and, whether or not she is becoming hard of hearing or plainly disobedient, she is refusing commands to “stop”.

  Should I be worried that this is the beginning of a robot takeover?

  Stephen Ennis

  Thames Ditton, Surrey

  SIR – When robots go on strike, will humans do their work?

  David Rumsey

  Pinner, Middlesex

  Silly seasonal salutations

  SIR – As I tackle the annual task of writing my Christmas cards to relatives and friends, I like to add random salutations on the envelopes: Sir, Lady, MBA, OBE, Brexiteer etc.

  I feel it brings a little Christmas cheer to those who carry the cards on their journey and to those who finally receive them.

  P.C.-M.

  Gustard Wood, Hertfordshire

  SIR – Our daughter’s Christmas card reached us on 9 January from London, having been posted and postmarked on 12 December. By my calculation that exactly matches the speed of a sloth, at 0.15mph.

  I wonder if Royal Mail could save money by using these very attractive animals to carry our post without any loss of efficiency.

  Mike Owen

  Claverdon, Warwickshire

  SIR – I have profound sympathy for the poor dolphins, sharks, tuna etc. that become entangled in abandoned filament netting, having required urgent help to unravel myself from similar material encasing our recently delivered Christmas tree.

  J.A. Morgan

  Churchill, Oxfordshire

  SIR – For me the first manifestation of the miracle of Christmas is when last year’s lights instantly work.

  R.A. Collings

  Presteigne, Powys

  SIR – You quote a Wiccan student objecting to a proposed Solstice Event at Cambridge, as it is “using a holiday I celebrate with religious conviction as merely the theme for a party”.

  I know how she feels – every Christmas.

  Shirley Puckett

  Tenterden, Kent

  SIR – I am looking forward to a peaceful Christmas alone again this year. There is only one problem: how do you pull a Christmas cracker on your own without cheating?

  Marie Jones

  Wallington, Surrey

  SIR – I suggest that the drone shooting season should start a few days after Christmas. They could be taken down, like the decorations, on (“The Glorious”) Twelfth Night.

  Tim Garland

  Bathford, Somerset

  SIR – One Christmas I decided to impress my congregation by hiring a donkey for the children’s Crib Service. After the ceremony the donkey was led to the church doorway for our final hymn. I thanked everyone for attending, then thanke
d the donkey, which brayed loudly before emptying its bowels.

  It took some time before we could clear the contents away in order to release the congregation.

  Canon Alan Hughes

  Berwick-upon-Tweed, Northumberland

  SIR – A £175 bill for taking my Springer Spaniel to the vets at 1am on Boxing Day. It had consumed an entire Yule Log.

  Michael Cattell

  Mollington, Cheshire

  SIR – Five years ago, my son (then single) gave his sister’s first child a drum for her first Christmas. He followed this up with a xylophone the following year. I knew my daughter had not forgiven him.

  This year my daughter gave my son’s first daughter an accordion for her first Christmas.

  I am watching this escalating musical arms race with much enjoyment and will only intervene when the neighbours start complaining.

  John O’Neill

  Hessle, East Yorkshire

  SIR – After the surfeit of leaflets encouraging the purchase of festive food, Christmas seems officially over when the slimming leaflets start dropping through the door.

  Linda Bos

  Midhurst, West Sussex

  Better before

  SIR – “Co-op sells out-of-date food for just 10p”, says your headline.

  This isn’t news.

  Our local Co-op has been selling out-of-date food for years, unintentionally and at full price.

  Moira H.R. Brodie

  Bourton, Wiltshire

  SIR – The younger generation in my family hold up their hands in horror whenever they find items in my kitchen past their sell-by dates. They have yet to discover that last week they consumed a dish containing a tin of tomatoes with a sell-by date of 2002.

  To my knowledge, they have all survived.

  Sue Johns

  Clifton-upon-Teme, Worcestershire

  SIR – If our children are brought up on grapes without pips, how will they learn to spit?

  Ian Smethurst

  Congleton, Cheshire

  SIR – The recent cold snap has provided the opportunity to investigate the darkest depths of the freezer. I found a haggis dated best before January 2008. Sadly I was forbidden to eat it but the dogs enjoyed it.

  The blackbirds also enjoyed an unopened 20-year-old packet of shredded wheat.

  Ian McMullen

  Doddington, Kent

  SIR – I wonder how your more germ-obsessive readers would have reacted to my experience a few weeks ago. I had just spread whipped cream over a chocolate roulade on the kitchen worktop prior to rolling it up when Agatha, my Siamese, came bounding in through the cat flap.

  Finding her route to the kitchen sink, where she takes all her prey, impeded by the roulade, she dropped her mouse right in the middle of the cream.

  I picked up the poor creature, still alive but smothered in cream, and transported it back out through the cat flap. I smoothed over the disturbed cream and completed the roulade, which was devoured at a family gathering amid much laughter after I had related the story.

  My sister remarked that she hoped Agatha didn’t now expect all her mice to have cream on.

  Beryl Salisbury

  Llanfairynneubwll, Anglesey

  The raising of Hammy

  SIR – As young boys my two sons had hamsters as pets and one morning we found one of them apparently dead in the bottom of its cage.

  Trying to soften the blow for the children, I went to great lengths to explain that Hammy had gone to baby Jesus and would have lots of hamster friends in heaven. Together we made a coffin for the hamster and his toys. We chose and prepared a burial site in the garden but, as I carefully lifted the “body” out of its cage to place into the shoebox coffin, Hammy underwent what can only be described as a Lazarus moment, terrifying us out of our skins.

  I wished I’d known sooner about hibernating hamsters.

  Jennie Allen

  Baildon, West Yorkshire

  The hardest woof

  SIR – At a National Trust property I saw a sign stating: “Sorry, no dogs”.

  There was no need to apologise; I wasn’t expecting any.

  John Curran

  Bristol

  SIR – Thank you so much for your very helpful article listing the UK’s 25 most dog-friendly pubs.

  I shall keep it for reference of places to avoid at all costs.

  Robin Lane

  Devizes, Wiltshire

  SIR – In the pet foods aisle of a local Aldi I recently encountered a middle-class couple pushing a trolley full of food and alcohol. As they contemplated a display of dog treats the man said to his wife: “We can’t buy his food from here.”

  John Birch

  Waterfoot, Lancashire

  SIR – I have a bag full of different bags for life but am unsure of the correct protocols for their use. For example, my wife will not take an Aldi bag into Waitrose but will produce a Waitrose bag in Aldi.

  A Sainsbury’s checkout lady regarded me with obvious disapproval when I used an Aldi bag but seemed to accept a Tesco bag without demur.

  Peter Heap

  Manuden, Hertfordshire

  The low path

  SIR – How bizarre for GPs to suggest people combat depression by taking a stroll alongside their local canal.

  One suspects that half an hour of staring at dead dogs, discarded tyres, dumped supermarket trolleys and other floating detritus could well be the final straw and result in many of the poor souls jumping in.

  Charles Garth

  Ampthill, Bedfordshire

  SIR – Further to the revelations about the Irwell being the most polluted river in the world, I recall that in the 1950s it was one of the few places where one could play “Pooh-sticks” with real poo. Simple pleasures in those days.

  Martin Mayer

  Chorley, Lancashire

  A close brush

  SIR – Lavatory brushes are dreadful things. My wife bought one, which I used once before reverting to paper.

  Frank Wilkinson

  Lostock, Lancashire

  SIR – Can I add my support to the campaign for real plates? I was once unfortunate enough to have my meal served on a ceramic tile which was of a design I have only ever seen in public lavatories.

  Toby St Leger

  Oldmeldrum, Aberdeenshire

  Strawing berries

  SIR – Before plastic straws are banned make sure you have a supply for a brilliant way to hull strawberries. Push the straw straight up from the pointed end of the strawberry and the core and greenery will come away cleanly.

  Joan Guest

  Epping, Essex

  SIR – I cut up plastic straws to draw lots for our regular Monday tennis four. My partner always seems to draw the short straw. Would she have better luck with paper straws?

  G. Marling-Roberts

  Sowley, Hampshire

  SIR – Keep some straws in the DIY box for blowing debris out of drill holes without getting it back in your eye. Use the rest for table-top blow football and showing disbelieving children how you managed to hit the back of a teacher’s neck with a dried pea every time (wife at kitchen sink is a good substitute, albeit politically incorrect).

  Victor Launert

  Matlock Bath, Derbyshire

  SIR – Now that the order has gone out to ban plastic “stirrers”, I finally understand what those irritating and dangerous bits of plastic are for.

  I had assumed that they were to slow consumption: after a few large gin and tonics they either went up your nose or in your eye and you couldn’t get at the drink at all.

  Andrew Perrins

  Upton-upon-Severn, Worcestershire

  SIR – Flower arrangers often resort to a discarded twig in the absence of a teaspoon.

  Suzie Carter

  Woodcote Green, Worcestershire

  SIR – When calculators superseded slide rules in the 1970s, we research engineers were not universally impressed. You could not stir your tea with a calculator.

  David Ma
rsh

  Countesthorpe, Leicestershire

  SIR – Many moons ago I watched a colleague use the blunt end of a cheap Biro to stir his tea.

  It seemed to work well, but the interesting trickle of blue ink seemed to put him quite off the tea.

  P. Gascoyne

  Wantage, Oxfordshire

  SIR – A Biro top is most efficient for cleaning ears.

  Simon McIlroy

  Croydon, Surrey

  SIR – I have a solution to the environmental damage caused by disposable coffee cups which was very effective in the past: have a cup of coffee at home before you go out.

  Angus Cameron

  Ball Hill, Berkshire

  SIR – With all the talk about banning single-use plastics, how about adding the new plastic £5 and £10 notes to the list? I only use them once before they disappear from my wallet.

  Dag Pike

  Bristol

  SIR – We had a plumber in last week. When he asked for an old towel to mop up, I gave him a nappy. The child who last used it is now 48. How’s that for recycling?

  Patricia Lister

  Poulton-le-Fylde, Lancashire

  Vaping wind-up

  SIR – My wife and I were recently assaulted by a huge cloud of noxious vapour in our local park. The gentleman, in reply to my complaint, said: “Vaping is not smoking therefore it is legal.”

  I then farted upwind of him.

  His face was a picture when I said farting was not smoking.

  Ian Stirton Smith

  Gosport, Hampshire

  Slim pickings

  SIR – One of my wife’s friends joined a running club then proceeded to run off with one of the members. As a result my wife wouldn’t allow me to join a running club. I mentioned joining a slimming club and asked if she would mind as I might be tempted to run off with a fat lass. She didn’t.

  I trudged off to my first Slimming World meeting last night.

  Garry Gibson

  Jedburgh, Roxburghshire