Must I Repeat Myself...? Read online

  Paul Bonner

  London SW19

  SIR – It is clear the only way Mrs May, David Davis and her crew will ever deliver the Brexit the majority of us voted for is to draft in Ross Poldark as a special adviser. He will surely take no nonsense and get things done – with or without his shirt.

  Geoff Pringle

  Long Sutton, Somerset

  SIR – Having just finished Conclave by Robert Harris, I would suggest that the Cabinet be locked inside Number 10 until they come up with our Brexit strategy. Smoke signals and a medical team on call for the collection of scalps welcome.

  Lamorna Good

  Aldeburgh, Suffolk

  SIR – Whenever I have kicked a can down the road, it usually goes quite well on the first boot but thereafter it goes wherever it fancies.

  Robert Smith

  Brentford, Middlesex

  SIR – I have a 5,000-piece jigsaw puzzle on my dining room table. I am calmly determined to finish it by March 2019.

  Gillian Plowman

  Selsey, West Sussex

  SIR – I hope that David Davis is keeping in mind just how deceptive these Europeans can be. Only today, I discovered that the European Butter Mountain and Wine Lake are not real. My holiday plans are in ruins.

  Hugh Neve

  Littlehampton, West Sussex

  SIR – How I wish that David Davis would a) threaten to withdraw from negotiations, taking our £40 billion with him; b) drop his rictus grin on emerging from meetings with M. Barnier; and c) stop looking like Julian Assange.

  Gordon Brown

  Grassington, North Yorkshire

  SIR – Why don’t we just invade Europe; it’s not difficult.

  Mark Rayner

  Eastbourne, East Sussex

  Higher power

  SIR – I note with surprise that the Archbishop of Canterbury has called the EU the greatest human achievement “since the fall of the western Roman Empire”.

  If I were now to criticise the EU publicly – perhaps referring to its inherent inefficiency and corruption – do I risk being defrocked for heresy?

  Perhaps the Archbishop could let me know before I write Sunday’s sermon.

  Fr James Rodley

  Harlow, Essex

  Older, wiser, more Eurosceptic

  SIR – Lord Malloch-Brown stated on the Today programme that Britain will become more pro-European as time goes by due to shifting demographics.

  This seems at odds with the fact that in 1975 the UK voted overwhelmingly to Remain then reversed that decision 41 years later due to the EU not living up to expectations.

  R.K. Hodge

  Chichester, West Sussex

  SIR – As a pensioner who had the temerity to vote for Brexit, I have become alarmed at the constant reminders of my own mortality.

  Recent outbursts about the lack of time I have left before I shuffle off this mortal coil have come from J. Major (75), A. Blair (65) and M. Heseltine (85).

  Were Remain voters over 60 given the secret of eternal life? I think we should be told.

  R.T. Semain

  West Rounton, North Yorkshire

  Kein zweites Referendum

  SIR – Jürgen Klopp, the manager of Liverpool FC, has said that Britain should have a second vote on Brexit.

  He should understand that many of us voted Leave so that we would no longer have to suffer being told what to do by a German.

  Roger Smith

  Meppershall, Bedfordshire

  SIR – In Scotland we have a bath every Hogmanay or referendum, whichever comes first, whether we need it or not.

  John Campbell

  Lenzie, East Dunbartonshire

  SIR – Remainers claim that I was too thick to understand what I was voting for in the Brexit referendum. What makes them think I am now intelligent enough to know what I am voting for if another vote is held on the Brexit deal?

  Stephen Keeys

  Horsehay, Shropshire

  SIR – If Stephen Hawking can say that the complete theory of the universe should, in principle, be understandable by everyone, why is it that Remoaners say that Brexit is too complicated for Brexiteers to comprehend?

  If understanding the Universe is easier than understanding how to effect Brexit, then I give up.

  Professor R.G. Faulkner

  Professor of Physical Metallurgy

  Loughborough, Leicestershire

  Bottom line

  SIR – It is reassuring to know that EU bureaucrats can regulate all parts of our life.

  I have just purchased a pack of lavatory paper (made by a company headquartered in Brussels) which informs me – in seven languages – that it is: “Toilet Paper. 100% papermass. Chemical bleached pulp. Total length 22m. Size of a sheet 9.8 × 11cm. 24 × 200 2ply sheets. Net weight 24 × 75g.”

  My bottom has never before been so well informed. Safe at last from rearguard attack by inferior products.

  Natalie Wheen

  London SW12

  SIR – Whether it is pre- or post-Brexit, I would welcome legislation to agree on a specific colour packet for different flavoured crisps. I am sick of finding a green packet is cheese and onion rather than my intended salt and vinegar.

  Michael Smith

  Morchard Bishop, Devon

  SIR – Is it too much to hope that in March 2019 Brexit will enable us to abandon the totally outdated and purposeless practice of British Summer Time?

  Nick Kester

  Wattisfield, Suffolk

  SIR – I note that a “monster” fatberg blocking a sewer in East London weighs more than ten double decker buses.

  Does this mean that post-Brexit the double decker bus may well become the UK unit of mass?

  Roger Roue

  Canvey Island, Essex

  Le passport

  SIR – I notice with regret that the contract for the new blue passport looks set to go to a foreign company. However, this frees up British factories to manufacture gunboats, which can then be used for diplomacy. Failing that, they could manufacture quart-pots and furlong rulers.

  David Blain

  Enfield, Middlesex

  SIR – Will the colour of Britain’s new passports be described as sacre bleu?

  Brian Armstrong

  North Shields, Tyne and Wear

  SIR – Following the passports fiasco, I was wondering whether the government had considered the benefits of outsourcing itself to France.

  A.T. Gibbs

  Rugby, Warwickshire

  SIR – The passport printing crisis can be easily solved. Brexit voters can pay to have their blue passports printed in Britain and the 48 million people who did not vote for Brexit can choose whether to keep theirs the existing colour. This would make standing in the passport queues far more entertaining.

  Dr Chris Keast

  Brimpton, Berkshire

  The Irish question

  SIR – In the published extract from The Daily Telegraph from April 1918, it states: “The Irish situation is both grave and menacing.” Has nothing changed in a century?

  Gregor Gruner

  Farnborough, Hampshire

  SIR – After Brexit why not monitor the Irish border with a fleet of drones? All-seeing and very soft.

  Bernard Crewdson

  Maunby, North Yorkshire

  SIR – I have often heard it said that if women ruled the world, there would be no wars. I am beginning to doubt this now as the two protagonists involved in Northern Ireland can’t sort out a “little local difficulty”.

  Eric John Harris

  Hastings, East Sussex

  SIR – As an Ulsterman living in the South of England, I find that people often try to draw me into a discussion about Northern Irish politics. My answer is: “It’s the best reason I know for living in Hampshire.”

  David Robertson

  Basingstoke, Hampshire

  SIR – There is one way to cure the Ireland/Northern Ireland border issue: Eire leaving the EU and joining the UK in an economic union.<
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  At least this could be shortened to Exit.

  Colin Robertson

  Bramhope, West Yorkshire

  Bfree

  SIR – It is time the word Brexit, freighted as it is with negativity and lack of direction, is changed to Bfree – a description of positivity and a bright future suitable for a nation that has so often shown the world the way forward.

  Malcolm Parkinson

  Sway, Hampshire

  SIR – Perhaps the word Brexit could become an accepted swear-word. Then watching debate and news on television it would be bleeped out, thus providing some much-needed light entertainment on the whole subject for viewers.

  Pauline Kavanagh

  Sutton, Surrey

  SIR – When watching the BBC news, in the absence of commercial television advertisements, one only has to wait for the word Brexit to know that it’s a good time to pop out and make a cup of tea.

  Bill Hodgman

  Gosport, Hampshire

  Norway medal model muddle

  SIR – Liam Fox said in his Brexit speech: “We are not Canada or Norway.”

  We figured out that much for ourselves during the last Winter Olympics.

  Mark Boyle

  Johnstone, Renfrewshire

  SIR – During Brexit negotiations, much was made of a Norwegian solution. I failed to realise that meant having our own Quisling in Downing Street.

  David Nesbitt

  Irthlingborough, Northamptonshire

  SIR – I note the sudden interest of our Brexiteer government in “doing great deals” with Canada when, and if, we truly leave the European Union.

  I look forward to cheaper maple syrup on my pancakes on Pancake Day.

  Nothing else from Canada comes to mind.

  Gerald Huxley

  Stockport, Cheshire

  SIR – A Radio 4 news slot about the Brexit negotiations has just finished.

  Four-year-old grandson at the dinner table: “I don’t understand why everybody is always talking about breadsticks.”

  Yvonne Elton

  Romsey, Hampshire

  Joyous ode

  SIR – Having started piano lessons again after 50 years I have succeeded in massacring a very simple version of “Ode to Joy”, and have great pleasure in re-naming it “The Brexiteer’s Revenge”.

  Jane Gelder

  London SE1

  A coalition of correspondents

  SIR – I suggest that the next government is formed from your letter-writers, who display more basic common sense on the Brexit issue than the politicians who have clearly failed to deliver what I voted for.

  Stuart Duckmanton

  Mansfield, Nottinghamshire

  Beware the idle March

  SIR – I predict that, like many apparently momentous events – joining the EEC, all-day drinking, decimalisation, VAT, the predicted Y2K computer meltdown, scrapping capital punishment, devolution – what will actually happen on Friday 29 March 2019 is: very little.

  Mark Prior

  Plymouth, Devon

  HOME THOUGHTS ON ABROAD

  Tit for Vaz

  SIR – The wilful deployment of indiscriminate chemical weapons on British soil, spreading lethal toxicity into a peaceful urban area, must be met with a similar, yet more cunning, response. We should replace our ambassador in Moscow with Keith Vaz.

  Bill Peart

  Rugby, Warwickshire

  SIR – There has been talk of a military-grade nerve agent being used in Salisbury. Are there domestic- or hobby-grade nerve agents?

  W.H. Statt

  Swadlincote, Derbyshire

  SIR – I hope that the Government remembered to collect all the unpaid parking fines from the Russian diplomats before they were allowed to leave the UK.

  Tony Cowan

  Elgin, Moray

  SIR – The National Audit Report has declared that Britain is at risk because we are short of experts to combat Cyber warfare.

  As Russia is short of intelligence officers in the UK at present, they will appreciate this information.

  Garry Curran

  Crowthorne, Berkshire

  SIR – Today I spent a good hour on my allotment weeding an area of less than a metre squared.

  I thought it may be more appropriate if the world’s chemical scientists bent their minds to producing a substance that could kill off bind weed and mare’s tail instead of a product that could kill off the world’s population.

  Roy Deal

  Southampton

  SIR – Having read of Russia’s response to Theresa May’s ultimatum, perhaps we need a new word added to our dictionary: Imputiny, meaning to do whatever one wishes at any time or place knowing that nobody can touch you for it.

  Mike Gibbons

  Stradbroke, Suffolk

  SIR – Your cartoonist Bob needs to update his drawings of Vladimir Putin to reflect his latest facelift. He looks a lot smoother and more stretched than that now.

  Sue Doughty

  Twyford, Berkshire

  SIR – As Russia is so concerned that Britain may have “abducted” two of their citizens, I propose we send two British citizens to Russia in lieu of the Skripals. Jeremy Corbyn and Diane Abbott both spring to mind as suitable candidates.

  Kim Dace

  Brenchley, Kent

  SIR – Given the stand-off between us and the Russians, it is clear that the UK needs to start fracking immediately.

  It’s too late when the radiators are cold.

  David Chamberlain

  Houghton on the Hill, Leicestershire

  SIR – It hardly ever snows in Salisbury, yet in March alone we have had two significant snowfalls. Are the Russians to blame for this too?

  Steve Maton

  Salisbury, Wiltshire

  SIR – Various things have made me concerned that “The Russians” are taking over our lives. Firstly, my online grocery order contained items that I am convinced I did not order, then my bicycle computer told me that I’d cycled a lot further than my usual Telegraph-collecting ride. I think the Russkies are playing with the satellites.

  Ian Mabberley

  Abergavenny, Monmouthshire

  SIR – I am quite happy for Russia to hack into my computer. All they will find is this email to the Telegraph.

  Eddie Peart

  Rotherham, South Yorkshire

  SIR – Readers may be wondering how they can respond to Russia’s state-sponsored attempted murder of a former Russian spy and his daughter.

  One answer would be never to buy another bottle of Russian vodka. There are some excellent Polish vodkas and Poland is a great country which never violates international norms.

  Richard Snailham

  Windsor, Berkshire

  SIR – We can only hope that the same person advising Mr Putin that his super new weapons are undetectable is the same person who told him that drug-taking in sport was undetectable.

  David Martin

  Eyam, Derbyshire

  SIR – When considering any sanctions against Russia, Mrs May could perhaps ban Maria Sharapova from Wimbledon.

  A couple of years without her screeching would be priceless.

  Christopher Mann

  Bristol

  SIR – If it turns out that Russians are responsible for the attack in Salisbury, Boris Johnson has said he will punish them by refusing to send government officials to the World Cup in the summer.

  Oh well, that should frighten the life out of ’em.

  Brian Hodgskiss

  North Baddesley, Hampshire

  SIR – I think England should send a team to the Football World Cup in Russia, but they should play in full chemical protection suits. It might just make a point to Putin and the rest of the world.

  David Kirby

  Aberystwyth, Ceredigion

  A step too far

  SIR – Twenty-two-year-old Mamoudou Gassama has been rightly praised for his actions in saving a small child in Paris. It is reported that he had left his home in M
ali and travelled through the dangers of sub-Saharan Africa before making a perilous crossing of the Mediterranean. He is now to be made a French citizen.

  Hasn’t he suffered enough?

  Hugh Neve

  Littlehampton, West Sussex

  Entente trop cordiale

  SIR – I wish someone would tell Emmanuel Macron that it isn’t really appropriate to maul every head of state he meets.

  R.B. Chappell

  Saltash, Cornwall

  SIR – All President Macron appears to have got from the talks with President Trump is a kiss, a cuddle and his collar felt in the name of dandruff.

  Garry Rucklidge

  Chapel Allerton, Somerset

  SIR – For someone who says he is a germaphobe, President Trump seems to be doing an awful lot of hand holding and dandruff flicking.

  Diana M. Jackson

  Nether Alderley, Cheshire

  SIR – Perhaps the “bromance” between Trump and Macron comes from the similarity in the age differences between them and their wives.

  Margaret McCrimmon

  St Albans, Hertfordshire

  SIR – Theresa May can sleep at night and allay any fears that Monsieur Macron might kiss one cheek too many. Mrs May is quite simply too young for him.

  Christopher Learmont-Hughes

  Caldy, Wirral

  SIR – The mantle of power becomes Mr Macron. He seems to get prettier every time he appears in public.

  Liz Saunders

  Eastbourne, East Sussex

  SIR – My printer is presumably not French, but every time it prints it clearly says: “Macron, Macron, Macron”.

  David Cullen

  Eastbourne, East Sussex