Stop the World, I Want to Get Off... Read online

  Peter Langworth

  London NW1

  STUIPD BOYS

  SIR — The new Top Gear without Clarkson, May and Hammond is rather like Dad’s Army without Captain Mainwaring, Sergeant Wilson and Corporal Jones.

  T.G.

  Rainow, Cheshire

  SIR — Surely the ideal team of presenters for the next series of Top Gear would be Nigel Farage, Boris Johnson and Prince Harry?

  Simon Shneerson

  Chorleywood, Hertfordshire

  SIR — An acronym of Jeremy Clarkson’s new programme, The Grand Tour, could be read as Top Gear Two or even Three Geriatric Teenagers.

  Cameron Morice

  Woodley, Berkshire

  OFF-PEAK TRAVEL

  SIR — While his rail journey programmes are edifying, well-presented and of not inconsiderable interest, can anyone explain why the majority, if not all, the trains used by Michael Portillo are entirely bereft of passengers?

  Maurice Palfrey

  Devizes, Wiltshire

  TRAVELLING HOPEFULLY

  TICKET TO HIDE

  SIR — Travelling out of Waterloo to Southampton on South West Trains recently the guard asked if all passengers could help him stop a cat boarding at New Milton — apparently the station cat tries to board and go for rides.

  As the guard wandered down to check my ticket I asked for the cat’s name. Straight faced, the guard replied: “I’m afraid I don’t know that, sir, but I know he hasn’t got a ticket. Good day, sir.”

  Everyone smiled and said nothing.

  I love being British.

  Paul Troughton

  Southampton

  SIR — Travelling home from London yesterday the train was once again half an hour late. Ironically my bedtime reading told me that of the 4,278 trains used by the French army to mobilise two million men in 1914, only 19 suffered the same problem. Perhaps they might still be able to teach us a thing or two?

  George Watson

  Woodbridge, Suffolk

  SIR — May I quote from my Baedeker’s Great Britain, written in 1890?

  “The carriages of the more important companies are generally clean and comfortable, but those of the lines to the south of London leave much to be desired.”

  Plus ça change.

  Terry Burke

  Canterbury

  WALLS OF THE ROSES

  SIR — So the Chancellor will enable a tunnel to be built under the Pennines, linking Lancashire and Yorkshire. What all Yorkshiremen need to know now is: which side will the Customs and Passport Control be on?

  Paul Harrison (Migrant Yorkshireman)

  Terling, Essex

  EMBARRASSMENT ON BOARD

  SIR — May I make a heartfelt plea to pregnant ladies to wear “Baby on Board” badges? I have a horrible feeling that this morning my insistence on surrendering my seat may have caused considerable embarrassment.

  Julian Waters

  Standford, Hampshire

  SIR — In the 1970s, when my father and I used to travel to work together on the notorious Dartford Loop Line into Charing Cross, we always had to stand for the whole journey. My father solved this problem by physically lifting out of his seat, by the collar of his school blazer, any young schoolboy he deemed to be occupying a seat which a woman or an older person should have been using.

  Word obviously got around because after a while, the boys of a particular school would give up their seats the moment my father got on to the train.

  Needless to say, I was highly embarrassed and used to try to stand as far away from my father as possible. Nowadays, of course, it would be deemed to be assault.

  Jill Smith

  Stalbridge, Dorset

  SIR — I don’t give up my seat for the blind.

  Twenty years ago a blind woman entered my Tube carriage. She had dark glasses, a white stick, a dog — the full kit. I naturally offered her my seat, only to be berated: “I may be blind but there’s nothing wrong with my legs.”

  She continued to make remarks the whole journey, much to my embarrassment and the sniggering amusement of fellow commuters behind their papers.

  Eventually I reached my stop and sprinted off, only to realise when I got to work that I had left my briefcase behind. On calling London Underground I was informed that a suspect briefcase had indeed been found, the District Line suspended and the Bomb Squad called to Bow Road.

  Upon eventually arriving at Bow Road by taxi (“It’ll take a while, Guv’nor, Mile End Road’s chocker. Bomb at Bow Road.”) I was immediately marched to the station manager (“Yes, that’s my briefcase. Yes, that’s right, the one with The Lover’s Guide video in it.”).

  Humiliation over? Oh no. Upon getting the crowded Tube back to the City, a ticket inspector got on. Naturally I hadn’t bought a ticket when being marched down to see the station manager at Bow Road. I then had to explain in front of everyone why I was travelling without a ticket.

  I can still vividly recall the face of the woman who screamed: “I’m late for an interview because of you.”

  Now I don’t even like people in sunglasses.

  H.A.

  Hambledon, Surrey

  TIN-POT ECONOMY

  SIR — If the UK is really the fifth biggest economy in the world, can someone please explain why our roads are so ravaged by potholes?

  Godfrey Brown

  Tolleshunt D’Arcy, Essex

  SIR — My local illuminated dot-matrix road sign currently reads: “Is your vehicle ready for winter?”

  I feel that I should stand next to it with a placard reading: “Yes, but your roads aren’t.”

  Jonathan Yardley

  Wolverhampton

  SIR — I welcome the lighter mornings. It is so much easier to spot the potholes on my journey to work.

  Philip Jordan

  East Malling, Kent

  SIR — Can I suggest that chewing gum is spat into potholes in the road?

  Steve Cattell

  Hougham, Lincolnshire

  SIR — The roads in Northamptonshire are some of the best looked after by the Highways Authority. Whenever there are potholes, they send a man or two out in a vehicle with a large can of spray paint. This is used to mark a careful rectangle around the pothole.

  After several months the paint wears off and the Highways people send another man (or two) with a new can of spray paint.

  Oh yes, we motorists are well looked after in Northamptonshire.

  David J. Hartshorn

  Badby, Northamptonshire

  THE NEED FOR SPEED

  SIR — You report a crackdown on speeding by Police Scotland. It was Bedfordshire Police who stopped me as I drove in a 30mph zone and said: “Nobody keeps to the limit on this road, sir, and as it’s 11pm on Friday night, by driving at 29mph you’re showing unusual behaviour. So, if you wouldn’t mind getting out of the car…”

  Alan Parr

  Tring, Hertfordshire

  SIR — “Police Scotland: we’re ready for terror attack” — only if the terrorists are speeding on the way to their target.

  Andrew Bell

  Kirriemuir, Angus

  SIR — A strong Scottish accent can be advantageous. Some years ago, while on holiday in Cape Cod, my brother-in-law, who hails from Shetland, was stopped for speeding.

  The police officer spent at least five minutes attempting to take down his name and address before admitting defeat and wishing us a happy holiday.

  Kirsty Blunt

  Sedgeford, Norfolk

  SIR — Our police say that they are so busy and understaffed that they can only attend to “vulnerable” victims. How is it then that, if I drive past a speed camera at slightly above the speed limit, in perfectly safe conditions, the same police force will find enough manpower to pursue me, prosecute me, endorse my licence and/or lecture me for a day on how naughty I have been?

  E.M.

  Hathersage, Derbyshire

  SIR — Why do all speed limits on our roads end with a zero (20, 30, 40
etc.)? Such a lack of flexibility and imagination by those who wish to control us.

  Bruce Pearson

  Godalming, Surrey

  MULTI-PURPOSE VEHICLES

  SIR — Why does the latest generation of car models have to look so aggressive? They seem all to be snarling and about to take a bite.

  Pat Rand

  Settle, North Yorkshire

  SIR — I am thinking of placing a sticker in the back of my car that states: “No baby on board, but I would appreciate it if you do not crash into me.”

  R.K. Hodge

  Chichester, West Sussex

  OCULAR KNOWLEDGE

  SIR — Your article about London taxi drivers made me think of an incident which took place in the 1960s. A black cab, turning out from a side street near Trafalgar Square, clipped the wing mirror of a car. The irate driver jumped out of the car and shouted at the cabbie: “What’s the matter with your eyes, man?”

  The cabbie replied: “What you mean? I hit ya, didn’t I?”

  Tore Fauske

  Woodmancote, Gloucestershire

  SIR — Your article states that Transport for London have sought assurances from Uber on “important issues around strangers travelling together” with regards to UberPool, the new cab-sharing service.

  I have been travelling with strangers for years on the Jubilee line, and I am none the worse, apart from an occasional assault on the olfactory senses.

  Paddy O. Connor

  London NW2

  SIR — I have taken a black cab from Euston station on my last three visits to the capital. The first cabbie faked a breakdown as he didn’t wish to go south of the river. The second feigned surprise that a road near the station had been closed, resulting in a big detour (the road had been closed for weeks). The third berated me for having the temerity to proffer a ten-pound note as he didn’t have any change.

  Uber, on the other hand, is fast, efficient and relatively inexpensive. If we don’t embrace change we will stand still as a society.

  Michael Cattell

  Mollington, Cheshire

  CAIRO, AFRICA

  SIR — At Heathrow Terminal 5 I asked at a British Airways Information Desk which lounge I should use for a flight to Cairo.

  “Is Cairo in Europe?” asked the man.

  One hopes that BA provides atlases in the cockpit.

  A.W.

  Cairo, Egypt (not in Europe)

  SIR — As an interesting example of passenger profiling, upon our recent arrival in India I had to assist a blind man in a wheelchair with providing fingerprints of both hands, including his thumbs.

  Meanwhile, elsewhere in the arrivals hall, my youthful looking wife was ungallantly advised that her fingerprints were not required as she was “too old to be a terrorist”.

  Peter Forrest

  London N6

  THE PEOPLE’S BICYCLE

  SIR — I am unimpressed by the exhibition of new-found environmental concern by car owners who feel aggrieved that their German cars’ computers have been skilfully programmed to always indicate that emissions standards are being met.

  Like most drivers, as long as my vehicle passes the MOT, I don’t care what emerges from the exhaust pipe. If I gave a fig about the environment, I’d have bought a bicycle.

  John Eoin Douglas

  Edinburgh

  SIR — Having delighted their customers with the Beetle and the Rabbit perhaps VW might consider naming their next sleek new model the Cheetah.

  Chris Wood

  Graffham, West Sussex

  SIR — A small orange light appeared on my German-made electric shaver this morning. I think it indicates that I should buy a new shaver head.

  Should I believe it?

  David Leech

  Balcombe, West Sussex

  SIR — So now we know: when a product is marked “Made in Germany” it’s not a boast, it’s a warning.

  Griff Griffith

  London E11

  LESSONS IN LYCRA

  SIR — One day I used my walking stick to point out to a cyclist a no-cycling sign (which is routinely ignored). The cyclist took his flamboyant revenge by waving his arms and shouting loudly: “That old woman is threatening me with her stick.”

  On another occasion I spoke to another young male cyclist and, as he stared uncomprehendingly at me, it occurred to me that he might be a foreigner. I asked if he understood English.

  To my astonishment, his reply was, “Madam, I teach it.”

  Anne Everest-Phillips

  Sidmouth, Devon

  SIR — Dartmoor ponies are to be painted with glow-in-the-dark stripes to prevent motorists from hitting them at night. Should these stripes also be applied to the many cyclists who ride around in dark clothes at night, without lights?

  Ted Shorter

  Hildenborough, Kent

  SIR — Walking in the countryside this autumn I have noticed a significant increase in the number of cyclists I encounter. I have also noticed that those cyclists who wear Lycra are reluctant to speak, make eye contact or to adopt a pleasant face. I am left wondering whether this stems from a desire to be unfriendly, or is it as a result of their too-tight clothing somehow preventing their facial muscles from working?

  Tony Collingswood

  Stockbridge, Hampshire

  SIR — The cyclists that amuse me are the “let’s dress up and play Bradley Wiggins brigade”, who cycle furiously up and down public footpaths and seafronts in full regalia.

  It is akin to my dressing up as a Formula One driver to drive down to the local supermarket.

  Neil Webster

  Fulwood, Lancashire

  SIR — Further to recent correspondence about Lycra louts, I cannot have been alone in noticing a group of these people cycling nine abreast up the middle of a major thoroughfare in a capital city, holding up the traffic, no hands on the handlebars — and all compounded by drinking alcohol as they did so.

  Surely this sort of behaviour cannot be condoned? Or should it be?

  A true Force de Tour. Well done, Chris Froome.

  John Prime

  Havant, Hampshire

  SPORTING TRIUMPH AND DISASTER

  THE GENTLEMEN’S GAME

  SIR — I hope calls to ban tackling in schools’ rugby are ignored. I sustained a nasty fracture dislocation of my ankle aged 17 in a school game. This lead me to my current profession as an orthopaedic surgeon specialising in foot and ankle disorders.

  Even with a bad injury rugby gave me much more than it took away.

  Michael Dunning

  Battle, East Sussex

  SIR — Like many of your correspondents I, too, was taught on the school rugby field that “the bigger they come, the harder they fall”. As I have matured, however, I have come to the conclusion that a lot of brave men have been very badly hurt because they were silly enough to believe this.

  John Todd

  Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire

  SIR — In my son’s experience of junior rugby it’s not the tackling you should be worried about; it’s the biting.

  Kevin Platt

  Walsall, West Midlands

  SIR — I played rugby at school, in the Army, at various clubs, and at various levels, until my forties.

  I did not suffer any broken bones, concussion, or other severe injury of any description.

  Throughout this time, I also played cricket. I suffered two broken fingers, a badly torn muscle and a broken nose.

  Is the medical profession studying the wrong game, or was I just terrible at both?

  Kenneth McKinnon

  Bangor, Co. Down

  NORTHERN ROOTS

  SIR — The England cricket team walked off the field for lunch with “Rooooot” ringing in their ears as Joe Root approached his 200 against Pakistan.

  BBC lunchtime television news covered sport with news about the Sunderland football manager, the Anniversary Games and the sailing, finishing with, “And that’s all the sports news”.

  Is it be
cause the England team contains too many Northerners?

  Nicholas Nelson

  Wimborne, Dorset

  THE MEN IN THE WHITE SUITS

  SIR — Watching Chelsea vs Tottenham Hotspur on television last night, I was appalled at the behaviour of the teams. The amount of tugging at an opponent’s shirt left me feeling that something must be done. I was reminded of The Man in the White Suit, in which Alec Guinness played a scientist who discovered a material that was so strong when dry that an oxyacetylene cutter had to be used on it to make his suit. Sadly, it fell apart when wet.

  If footballers had shirts that came away when excessive force was applied to them, it might make a player think twice before tugging at an opponent. Otherwise we would end up with both teams topless.

  Robert Ward

  Loughborough, Leicestershire

  SIR — At the end of a game of men’s international football they exchange their shirts with the opposition. Alas this is not the case with women’s international football. I’m sure it would encourage a greater following.

  Brian Moy

  Rochford, Essex

  WORLD BEATERS

  SIR — Would it not be a good thing to have a World Hooligan Championship, in which national teams of highly trained drunken louts compete to beat one another up? Not only would it be a popular spectacle among those who like that sort of thing, it would also take the pressure off football. Even better, Britain might win.