Stop the World, I Want to Get Off... Read online

  SIR — Following David Cameron’s dire warnings of the outcome of Brexit, I now await the opening of the Fourth Seal.

  Sue Mawson

  Gurnard, Isle of Wight

  SIR — If all the dire predictions of the Remain campaign were to be realised, it seems likely that we would qualify to receive aid from overseas — perhaps even from the EU — so why worry?

  Frank Felton

  Stapleford, Cambridgeshire

  SIR — I wonder what Mandy Rice-Davies would have said about the Chancellor’s predictions of doom on Brexit?

  T.B.

  Dummer, Hampshire

  SIR — How can anyone believe what George Osborne says when he is not wearing a yellow hard hat and hi-vis vest?

  Garth Tomlinson

  Hull

  SIR — Half-witted footballers rip off their shirts whenever they score a goal. Could David Cameron tell us why he rips of his jacket whenever he wants people’s support?

  Brian Christley

  Abergele, Conwy

  SIR — I cannot imagine space travel safety would be immune from the evidently all-embracing dangers of a Brexit. How sensible therefore to bring Tim Peake back to earth ahead of the vote.

  John Hellings

  Emsworth, Hampshire

  SIR — Yesterday I warned an elderly lady she was about to be run over by a bus. Should I apologise to her for scaremongering?

  Paul Fulton

  Wood Norton, Norfolk

  I’M IN…

  SIR — Hemmed in on all sides by lycra and V signs while driving on Sunday I was struck how similar Brexiteers and cyclists really are. Both groups have every right to pursue their cause, but in so doing they ignore the safety of not only themselves but others too.

  Jeremy Raybould

  Sanderstead, Surrey

  SIR — Slowly but surely the average Englishman has come to an understanding of “smart casual”, embracing chinos and linen jackets to great effect. I fear Brexit may put this at risk.

  Sue McLellan

  London SE26

  SIR — While listening to Leave campaigners it occurred to me that the last time I had heard similar unsubstantiated promises of a rosy future was about 40 years ago when I was sold an Endowment Mortgage.

  Paul Eastaugh

  Hurst, Berkshire

  SIR — Every time Nigel Farage’s UKIP bus stops, it blares out the theme music from The Great Escape — an escape from the EU, I presume. Maybe he hasn’t actually seen the film or perhaps his judgement is very poor, as the actual escape was an unmitigated disaster.

  So keep on playing the music, Nigel — as a dire warning.

  Richard Cook

  Southampton

  SIR — Nigel Farage, George Galloway and now Boris Johnson. The faceless bureaucrats of the European Commission are beginning to look positively attractive.

  Mike Jones

  London E4

  SIR — Why are those employed by the British government to put its policies into effect always “civil servants”, while those who do the same for the European Union are always “bureaucrats”? Surely their functions are essentially the same?

  Piers Paul Read

  London W12

  SIR — Following Boris Johnson’s odious comparison between the EU and Hitler, might it not be time to recreate the ancient Athenian system whereby once a year the people could vote to send an individual into exile for a good few years.

  As a classicist, Mr Johnson would understand how the system worked.

  William Stebbings

  Gretton, Gloucestershire

  SIR — Is a Hitler obsession compulsory for the London mayoralty?

  Robert Dobson

  Tenterden, Kent

  SIR — Boris Johnson describes himself as a freedom fighter. Does this mean David Cameron will call him a terrorist?

  Allan Reese

  Forston, Dorset

  SIR — A net contribution of £160 million a week seems a very fair price to put Michael Gove and Boris Johnson in their place.

  Richard Gowland

  Heacham, Norfolk

  SIR — I am 77 and have voted Tory in every election since I qualified to vote, but God help this country if our future relationship with the EU lies with the Daily Mail and the old farts in the shires who run the local Tory constituency groups.

  Grenville Peacock

  Elstead, Surrey

  SIR — This octogenarian voted wishing he was a four-armed oriental deity: one hand for his stick, one for the ballot paper, one for the pencil and one to hold his nose while he voted Remain.

  David Eliot

  Seavington, Somerset

  SIR — If the EU would agree to swap one migrant for one English football fan I would vote for Remain.

  Malcolm Allen

  Berkhamsted, Hertfordshire

  SIR — How do I stop my parrot repeating “take back control”?

  Alan Sabatini

  Bournemouth, Dorset

  SIR — Following your front-page report that the majority of Telegraph subscribers favour Brexit and Boris for Tory leader, I am afraid that I shall have to ask for my daily copy to be delivered in a plain wrapper.

  Brian Austin

  Alfreton, Derbyshire

  I’M OUT…

  SIR — Large posters have started to appear in windows here reading “I’m in”. Wishing to express my own referendum position, but minus street frontage, I found in Brighton last week a pink rosette stating “I’m out and proud”.

  I am surprised at the extraordinary reaction to this. Only the other day a cathedral verger gave me a knowing wink and a thumbs-up sign. I am amazed that UKIP have not made them more widely available.

  David Johnson

  Oxford

  SIR — I have never thrown an egg at a politician — but I like the idea that one day I might.

  In order to protest in this way you need to know who the responsible person is, where you can find them and where there is a good throwing position.

  In the EU none of these requirements are satisfied. So I am voting out.

  God Save the Queen.

  Martin Callingham

  London W1

  SIR — “Name any MEP” was one of tonight’s questions on Pointless. I couldn’t.

  Martin Moyes

  Holt, Wiltshire

  SIR — Britain’s membership of the EU is like being married to Rob Titchener in The Archers: coercive control.

  Geoffrey Whittington

  Startley, Wiltshire

  SIR — If anyone had taken a partner in 1973, married in 1975, and their spouse had taken their money, spent it on grandiose schemes and two homes whilst inviting more partners to join, would they still be together?

  Mark Robbins

  Bruton, Somerset

  SIR — It would appear that letters on Brexit signed by numerous signatories are guaranteed to be published.

  Rupert Godfrey — Husbands for Brexit

  Julie Godfrey — Wives for Brexit

  Yogi — German Shepherds for Brexit

  Woodie — Cocker Spaniels for Brexit

  Luther — Moggies for Brexit

  Stert, Wiltshire

  SIR — I note that the cost of leaving the EU will be £4,300 per household. Sounds fair. Can I pay ours now?

  Martin Higham

  Wimborne, Dorset

  SIR — My grandson is being radicalised at school. He has been told by a teacher that to remain in Europe is the only option and that he should persuade his grandparents to vote accordingly in June.

  Michael Meadowcroft

  Durham

  SIR — I have advised my wife that I am to vote Remain in the coming referendum. As she invariably adopts, on principle, the opposite stance to any political or ideological pronouncement of mine, I feel sure I have guaranteed at least two more votes for Brexit.

  Pete Matthews

  Winchester

  SIR — Is not “ever-closer union” a precise definition of a black hole?
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  Alan Green

  New Malden, Surrey

  SIR — If our “leap in the dark” is as successful as that of Singapore when it left Malaysia I will be more than satisfied.

  Brian Gilbert

  Hampton, Middlesex

  SIR — If President Obama is so keen on the EU perhaps he should join.

  D.M. Jobson

  Hindhead, Surrey

  SIR — President Obama may like to reflect on the fact that America once “left” the largest and most powerful organisation in the world — the British Empire. As to how well they have done since is open to debate.

  Adrian Waller

  Woodsetts, South Yorkshire

  SIR — At last, some clarity in the debate. Tony Blair is in favour of remaining and so I will vote to leave.

  David Reed

  Ticehurst, East Sussex

  SIR — Surely another good reason to support Brexit is the hostility demonstrated by the French crowd to Andy Murray at the French Open.

  Ros Heron

  Leamington Spa, Warwickshire

  SIR — Having trawled through my wardrobe, 90 per cent of it bought in M&S, I could find not one garment from the EU. Sri Lanka, China, the UAE, Cambodia, Turkey, India, Bangladesh and many more seem to be the major manufacturers.

  This is a relief, as if we do leave the EU I know that I will not go naked.

  Sandra Mitchell

  London W13

  SIR — I was all set to vote Leave, but the BBC’s Newsnight and Channel 4 News have put me in a dilemma. Their scrupulously impartial reports from around the country would suggest that leaving is the preserve of life’s “losers” — notably the less articulate who live on run-down, rain-spattered estates.

  I’m now wondering if I’d be better off joining the Remainers who evidently have jobs and seem to enjoy better weather.

  C. Hatton

  Hay on Wye, Powys

  SIR — I read the letters column avidly. After an in-depth analysis lasting all of ten minutes, I have come to the following conclusion: the people who are going to vote Remain are glass half empty types, while the Leavers are definitely glass half full.

  David Nesbitt

  Irthlingborough, Northamptonshire

  SIR — A friend and I were discussing the bureaucratic complications he had to cope with during his one-year secondment in Brussels.

  I inquired how many people worked in the EU offices there.

  “Oh, about 10 per cent,” he replied.

  Jeremy Watson

  Marnhull, Dorset

  SIR — We have the ultimate authority on how to vote in the referendum. For millions of years Britain was part of the European land mass. About half a million years ago God, in his wisdom, created a glacial river which separated the two land masses. If the Almighty wanted us to join the EU would he have created that river?

  Dr John A. Rees

  Stratford upon Avon, West Midlands

  SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT

  SIR — The more arguments I hear about staying in or leaving the EU, the more I hear myself singing the words of the Hokey Cokey.

  Janet Brown

  Ulgham, Northumberland

  SIR — In or Out? Why didn’t we just ask Hawk-Eye?

  Colin Henderson

  Cranleigh, Surrey

  SIR — Having changed my mind several times during the EU referendum debate, I now find myself forced to vote Remain as the terms and conditions of the three-year guarantee on my new cordless power drill purchased two weeks ago are limited to its use within the European Union.

  J.W.

  Cortsley, Wiltshire

  SIR — Which way do I need to vote to get BBC iPlayer to work in a Europe “without barriers”? Currently it only works in the UK.

  James Purves

  Marden, Wiltshire

  SIR — If we vote to leave the EU, will the BBC give us back Fahrenheit in the weather forecasts?

  Paul Eward

  Ross-on-Wye, Herefordshire

  SIR — In principle I support Brexit. My overriding concern, however, is whether my 82-year-old husband will continue to receive a free ski pass in France.

  Jane Cullinan

  Padstow, Cornwall

  SIR — When our local Waitrose car park is full, complete freedom of movement is not possible. We have to wait for entry: one in, one out. Why can this simple procedure not be adopted by the UK?

  Simon Olley

  Kemsing, Kent

  SIR — I can’t decide. If I vote out, can we have Marathon, Jif and Opal Fruits back?

  Sheelagh Sizeland

  Carterton, Oxfordshire

  SIR — If we Brexit, how much wine will I be able to buy on a booze cruise?

  Pam Laney

  Burbage, Wiltshire

  SIR — I have absolutely no idea whether the UK should stay in the EU. Can I give my vote to someone else? I was thinking of the Queen, as she doesn’t have one.

  Charles King

  South Croydon, Greater London

  SIR — It’s not difficult to form a judgement here. Simply ask yourself how the characters in Dad’s Army would have reacted in these circumstances and vote accordingly.

  T. Williams

  Sheffield

  SIR — Is the word Brexit allowed in Scrabble? It doesn’t appear in my dictionary.

  G.A.

  Wingrave, Buckinghamshire

  SIR — Brexit sounds like a combination of a breakfast cereal and a laxative.

  Alan Titchmarsh

  Rushmere St Andrew, Suffolk

  SIR — Faced with the prospect of 120 days of people banging on about whichever side they support my task is to decide which side is going to lose so that I can vote for them. Then I will be able to spend the next 25 years sitting smugly in the corner saying, “I told you so.”

  Howard Larkin

  Hurst, Berkshire

  SIR — As a 71 year old I doubt the referendum vote will have any major consequence on me during my remaining life span. Playing the Devil, the temptation is to vote “out” and watch how such a step into the unknown unfolds. It could provide an interesting period in my life.

  Let’s hope I resist the temptation.

  G.T.

  Yarm, North Yorkshire

  SIR — Let me make this clear: I will be voting for the campaign which uses that phrase the least between now and June 23. I believe they will be the ones who actually are clearer on what to do next.

  Peter Owen

  Claygate, Surrey

  SIR — When one liar calls another liar a liar which liar should we believe?

  Barrie McKay

  South Cerney, Gloucestershire

  SIR — After all the hype, the only people to have gained from the referendum campaign are the punk band The Clash, whose record Should I Stay or Should I Go? has been played incessantly on Radio 4 for weeks.

  Ken Tucker

  Wotton under Edge, Gloucestershire

  SIR — Everyone knows that nicer people vote Remain, and I want to be seen as nice.

  However, it looks like Leave will win, and I don’t want to be on The Wrong Side Of History.

  I’m going to have to count celebrity endorsements to make a final decision.

  Richard Lucas

  Edinburgh

  SIR — I would be more inclined to accept Richard Branson’s endorsement of the EU if firstly, he lived in Europe and secondly, he were not trying to get to the moon.

  Charlotte Joseph

  Lawford, Essex

  SIR — Perhaps the signatories of yesterday’s letter from the luvvies could now turn their mighty minds to other topics of great import? I’d greatly value Cumberbatch, Emin and Nighy’s views on interest rate levels, HS2 and identifying the true nature of dark matter.

  Steve Baldock

  Handcross, West Sussex

  SIR — Are there any right-wing luvvies?

  Peter Bolton

  Oxford

  SIR — Can we now expect to see a letter in the Telegraph
signed by Shakespeare, Elgar, Constable, Wolfe et al telling us that they managed just fine outside the EU?

  J.A.D.

  Portland, Dorset

  SIR — Has anyone else noticed the most pronounced difference between the referendum campaign and last year’s general election? There has not been a sight or sound of Russell Brand anywhere.

  Edward Thomas

  Eastbourne, East Sussex

  CRYSTAL BALLS

  SIR — Having recently undertaken some lengthy motorway journeys my wife and I decided to conduct our own referendum poll. We took a tally of all British passenger cars that passed us, noting whether they displayed an EU or non-EU number plate.

  Of 1,000 cars noted, 559 had the non-EU plate and 441 the EU one. So for our poll it was 55.9 vote Leave and 44.1 Remain.

  Unscientific, I know, but probably as good as the polling organisations have been in the last few elections.

  Stephen Whytock

  Fleet, Hampshire

  THE PAIGNTON TEA PARTY

  SIR — This morning I came downstairs to find that we had voted to leave the EU, the Prime Minister was going to resign and that we had “got our country back”.

  I quickly made a pot of tea.

  Mike Thompson

  Paignton, Devon

  SIR — How sad that we shall probably never learn whether Her Majesty was observed to purr this morning.

  Clare Humm

  Stamford, Lincolnshire

  SIR — Well done to all fellow fruitcakes.

  David G. Ford

  Seaford, East Sussex

  SIR — I am slightly discombobulated by your statement that the “less educated tended to back Brexit”.

  Dr Ian Hindle JP PhD MSc BDS FDSRCS FFDRCSI

  Scopwick, Lincolnshire

  SIR — Heard at 6am that Brexit had won the referendum. Have been waiting all day for sky to fall in.

  Is it safe to go shopping?