Stop the World, I Want to Get Off... Read online

  Alan Gloak

  Glastonbury, Somerset

  SIR — Should we be sending our fleet of small boats across the Channel to pick up our boys at the Euro 2016 Championship?

  Stephen Wright

  Pewsey, Wiltshire

  SIR — The effects of Brexit seem to have kicked in rather sooner than I had anticipated. I have just sent an email enquiry to a French company requesting a quotation for one of their products. The reply, by return, stated: “We do not sell to the UK. Try the Brazil office.”

  Guy Frankham

  Norwich

  SIR — I was staying in a hotel in Germany’s Black Forest the day after the referendum vote and ordered a slice of the famous local gateau.

  “What is the filling?” I asked when it arrived.

  “Pure cyanide,” replied the manager with a broad smile.

  Charles Owen

  Carnforth, Lancashire

  SIR — Will any German foreign minister understand that Boris Johnson playing cricket after the Brexit vote was absolutely the right thing to do?

  Anne Jappie

  Cheltenham, Gloucestershire

  SIR — I wonder if my German-made washing machine and car are fitted with “defeat devices”, programmed to stop working as soon as the detail of the UK exit is finalised.

  Only time will tell.

  John Smith

  Great Moulton, Norfolk

  SIR — Would anyone like to buy one of the “proper” toasters I’ve stockpiled?

  Edward Buckley

  Ramsey, Isle of Man

  SIR — Every other country in the world would have had riots, tear gas, Molotov cocktails and tanks prowling the streets. That is not the British way of doing things. We quietly join an orderly queue; we smile nicely at the official handing us our polling card; then we use a pencil (nothing too sharp, mind you) to remove all the ruling elite from power.

  What a thoroughly British way to have a revolution. No wonder so many foreigners want to move here to live.

  Peter Bryson

  Yorkshire

  SIR — To coin a phrase by Speaker Bercow: The oiks have it. The oiks have it.

  Robin Gardiner

  Melksham, Wiltshire

  SIR — Was the Brexit rebellion against the establishment part of a trend triggered by the high-handed rejection of “Boaty McBoatface”?

  David Stanley

  London SW6

  SIR — What will Telegraph letter writers blame everything on now?

  Bryan K. Conery

  Whitehaven, Cumbria

  SIR — May I suggest that we revert to pounds, shillings and pence. My grandmother gave me half a crown some 50 years ago. It remains in my piggy bank and I would like to cash it in.

  Alistair Donald

  Stirling

  SIR — Now that the pound has fallen sharply against other currencies and we have, at a stroke, fallen from the fifth to sixth largest economy in the world, surely Project Fear should be renamed Project Understatement?

  Stephen Coles

  Wavendon, Buckinghamshire

  SIR — Will we see crowds of migrants waiting in Kent to try to get into the EU?

  Arnold Burston

  Rolleston on Dove, Staffordshire

  SIR — Would the last Polish plumber to leave the country please turn off the water.

  Phil Mitzman

  Ely, Cambridgeshire

  SIR — I am standing at my front door awaiting delivery of the promised milk and honey. It has yet to arrive. Whom do I sue?

  Andrew Keen

  Stewkley, Bedfordshire

  SIR — We appear to be moving from optimistic Brexit to pessimistic Brickingit.

  Geoff Wilson

  Radcliffe on Trent, Nottinghamshire

  SIR — Earlier today I overheard one of our staff voicing his “deep concerns over Sterling”. It soon became apparent that he was referring to the selection of Raheem Sterling, the England footballer.

  Life goes on.

  Anthony Perrin

  Farnham, Surrey

  SIR — The referendum result has at least solved one problem. Now we will not need a new runway at either Heathrow or Gatwick.

  Peter le Feuvre

  Funtington, West Sussex

  SIR — It has all been a terrible mistake. We thought that we were voting to leave Eurovision.

  Dr P.F. Hart

  Harleston, Norfolk

  SIR — One of our hymns today was Dear Lord and Father of mankind / Forgive our foolish ways.

  Jonathan E. Godrich

  Clee St Margaret, Shropshire

  SIR — Who would care to join me in a new party I am forming called UKEP — the United Kingdom European Party? Its sole aim would be to campaign for the UK to rejoin the EU.

  Dr Richard Marsh

  Strathdon, Aberdeenshire

  SIR — Perhaps when the new trading deal has been agreed with the European Union we could call it the “Common Market”.

  Richard Starks

  Alnwick, Northumberland

  SIR — As London prepares for the climax of Pride in London this weekend, I was amused to see a tight T-shirt pass me with the slogan: “Chill it bitch — Britain came out years ago”.

  Robert Gardener

  London SW15

  SIR — Nine people voted on what to do for dinner. Four chose to stay at home.

  Of the five that wanted to go out, one wanted pizza, one wanted a kebab, one wanted Chinese, one wanted Indian and one misheard the question and now wants to stay home after all.

  Why are we still going out?

  M.F.

  Utrecht, Netherlands (formerly of Birmingham)

  SIR — Apropos the second referendum petition, is this what is known in political circles as the moaning after pill?

  Huw Beynon

  Llandeilo, Carmarthenshire

  SIR — I would respectfully ask those Remainers still seeking to overturn the result to hurry up. If there is to be a civil war we need to get on with it and the days in which I might usefully die on a battlefield defending British democracy are, sadly, numbered.

  Matthew Garrard

  Southam, Gloucestershire

  SIR — I was a firm Remain voter but now the deed is done I am doing my best to look for a positive way forward.

  How good would it be if the British could rid themselves of the annoying habit of kissing both cheeks as a greeting? Let’s regain our personal space; it might just help us all cope with the shambles we find ourselves in.

  Pip Billington

  Winchester

  CHINS UP, DAVID

  SIR — While David Cameron may have mixed feelings about recent political events, on the plus side at least he will be able to re-join White’s, dust off his shotguns and get back into a morning coat for weddings.

  Jeremy Nunn

  Kimpton, Hampshire

  SIR — Having listened to Mr Cameron’s hum on the way back into Number 10 after his final press conference, I’m pretty sure it was the Rolling Stones hit from the 1960s: It’s All Over Now.

  Steve Thomas

  Brackley, Northamptonshire

  SIR — Whoever replaces Mr Cameron, will he please refrain from being photographed (a) tieless and (b) holding his wife’s hand.

  Alison Fenton

  London W1

  A DAY IS A LONG TIME IN POLITICS

  SIR — Sadly, I am listening to The Archers much less frequently now. I find The Every Day Story of British Politics far more gripping.

  Judy McRae

  Walton-on-Thames, Surrey

  SIR — I have started reading my Daily Telegraph from front to back, instead of the other way round.

  Liz Wicken

  Foxton, Cambridgeshire

  SIR — Are there others of a certain age who feel that they are living in an episode of Yes, Minister? Is Sir Humphrey going to turn up and sort everything out?

  Anne Knight

  Brede, East Sussex

  SIR — Surely now is the momen
t for the Queen to call upon Tom Hiddleston to form a government of National Unity?

  Jonathan Higgins

  Morden, Greater London

  SIR — Watching the now regular resignations from Jeremy Corbyn’s shadow cabinet is very much like watching an old-fashioned England middle-order batting collapse.

  The difference is that normally the wickets don’t fall until the other team has starting bowling.

  Brian Gedalla

  London N3

  SIR — Momentum. Wasn’t that the boy’s team name in the second series of The Apprentice?

  Tim Bochenski

  Bramhall, Cheshire

  SIR — Now that Nigel Farage has some spare time on his hands, might he consider opening a real ale bar in Brussels?

  Located opposite the European Parliament (with a branch in Strasbourg, of course), “Les Deux Doigts” would be a fitting memorial to his political career.

  Bob Ballingall

  Farnsfield, Nottinghamshire

  SIR — I expect to see a new version of Cluedo in the shops in time for Christmas — one where the characters are Conservative Brexit and leadership campaigners.

  W.K. Wood

  Bolton, Lancashire

  SIR — Michael Gove may have denied, on five occasions, that he is equipped to be prime minister of the United Kingdom. However, we should remember that Saint Peter denied, on three occasions, that he was a Christian and he became the first Pope.

  John B. Reid

  Monkstow, Co Dublin, Ireland

  SIR — Has no one told Michael Gove how Macbeth ends?

  Sheelagh James

  Lichfield, Staffordshire

  SIR — The recent shenanigans by Michael Gove brings to mind the mixing of two proverbs by a friend: “I wouldn’t trust him with a barge pole.”

  Keith Davies

  Telford, Shropshire

  SIR — What is the Latin (Boris may know the Greek too) for “I came, I saw, I bottled it”?

  Richard Robinson

  Letchworth Garden City, Hertfordshire

  SIR — So was that Boxit?

  Simon Tilling

  Bildeston, Suffolk

  SIR — Paul Weller of The Jam was remarkably prescient when in 1979 he wrote Eton Rifles: “What a catalyst you turned out to be: loaded the guns, then you run off home for your tea — left me standing like a guilty schoolboy.”

  Royston Deitch

  London N5

  SIR —

  ‘Twas Brexit, and the slithy Gove

  Did gyre and gamble all the way:

  All mimsy was the Boris, Gove,

  And the man’s wrath helped May.

  Chris Rogers

  Loddiswell, Devon

  MAY OF THE ROVERS

  SIR — Much is being written about Theresa May’s early life and how she intends to lead the country outside the European Union. But it is an indication of how guarded she is of her opinions that we have no idea which football team she pretends to support.

  Mervyn Vallance

  Maldon, Essex

  SIR — I would like to wish Theresa May the best of luck in her new position. May I suggest that her first task should be to make sure that Mr Cameron has not left his daughter behind at Number 10.

  R.B.

  Tinahely, Co. Wicklow, Ireland

  SIR — With all these state-school-educated women in the new Cabinet, will the whips ensure that there are some ex-public-school male MPs sitting in televisual shot behind Mrs May at Prime Minister’s Questions in order to show diversity in the Conservative Party?

  Michael Staples

  Seaford, East Sussex

  SIR — Let’s hope Theresa May’s husband Philip is not normally referred to by his initials, as it could cause confusion.

  Tim Coles

  Carlton, Bedfordshire

  SIR — Some Germans apparently refer to Angela Merkel as “unsere Mutti” (our mum). How long before Brits (but presumably not Andrea Leadsom) start talking of Mother Theresa?

  M.B.

  Addis Ababa, Ethiopia

  SIR — Boris Johnson? Foreign Secretary? And everyone said she had no sense of humour.

  Please tell me someone was filming Mr Juncker when he found out.

  S.P.

  Birmingham

  SIR — I note that Boris Johnson wrote a biography of Winston Churchill, perhaps seeking to draw parallels with his own political career.

  May I suggest that, given recent events, his next subject might be The Grand Old Duke of York.

  Gareth Corser

  Bradfield St George, Suffolk

  SIR — I am reading Charles Dickens’ unfinished last novel, The Mystery of Edwin Drood, and I came across a passage describing the unintentionally droll Mr Grewgious, guardian to Rosa Bud. The description is a dead ringer for someone currently in public life:

  “He had a scanty flat crop of hair, in colour and consistency like some very mangy yellow fur tippet; it was so unlike hair, that it must have been a wig, but for the stupendous improbability of anybody’s voluntarily sporting such a head.”

  P.B.

  Hampshire

  SIR — I now have a female head of state, a female Prime Minister, a female Member of Parliament, a wife and two daughters, all of whom in some shape or form will influence what I do. I do not want to hear any more about lack of opportunities for women.

  David Swanbrow

  Sarisbury Green, Hampshire

  SIR — When Margaret Thatcher was in power I was in San Diego. A taxi driver asked: “Geez, are you going to let a woman run things?”

  I replied: “Every 500 years or so the men go rotten and we have to call the women in.”

  It seems that the time period is shortening.

  Geoffrey Bishop

  Malvern Wells, Worcestershire

  SIR — Now that all the Leavers have Left and the Remainers Remain, all that remains is for the Remainers to finish off the leaving.

  Tim Snelgar

  Newbury, Berkshire

  SIR — Now I am even more confused about the correct use of may and might.

  Douglas Potter

  Burnham-on-Crouch, Essex

  THE USE AND ABUSE OF LANGUAGE

  STRENUOUS ATTAINMENT TESTS

  SIR — I considered myself highly literate. I am an Associate Professor with a PhD who has published five poetry collections, one novel and numerous scholarly articles. I have been a professional journalist, a BBC TV producer and Chair of the National Association of Writers in Education. I have made a living out of reading and writing.

  But I scored only three out of 10 on the sample SATs test for 11 year olds.

  Does that make me suddenly illiterate, or does it suggest that linguistics is not literacy? Unless time is spent cultivating a passion for reading instead of preparing children for tests, we could end up with the most truly illiterate generation this country has ever produced.

  Dr Maggie Butt

  London N14

  SIR — It seems I have unknowingly been using subordinate conjunctions all my life. Would I lose the use of my fingers if I wasn’t aware that they are dactyls?

  Graeme Hawkins-Dady

  Wolverhampton

  SIR — Who needs the EU when a British government department issues an edict about children’s use of the exclamation mark?

  Bryan Haylock

  Hadleigh, Suffolk

  SIR — The Book of Revelation (New International Version) contains 55 sentences ending with an exclamation mark. Yet behold! Not a single one begins with what or how!

  John Wallbridge

  Wolverhampton

  SIR — In 1862, Victor Hugo, eager to know how Les Misérables was selling, sent a telegram from the south of France to his publisher in Paris asking simply “?”.

  In arguably the most eloquent use of the exclamation mark, his publisher’s reply was “!”.

  Nicholas Young

  London W13

  SIR — I have just heard a commentator on Sky Sports say “he
played the hole lovely”. I think this entirely justifies setting the SATs.

  John Roberts

  Wokingham, Berkshire

  A QUESTION OF SPORT

  SIR — Can I be the only person longing for a sports event winner to answer the interviewer’s question “How do you feel?” with “With my fingers”?

  Andrew Blake

  Shalbourne, Wiltshire

  SIR — During the recent one-day international against Pakistan, one of the commentators observed a player was “batting well with the bat”.

  I’m still trying to work out how he might manage without.

  Leonard Glynn

  Bristol

  SIR — While listening to the Test Match Special coverage over the last few days I have come to the conclusion that Geoffrey Boycott’s remuneration as a commentator must be based on the number of times he repeats himself.

  Ian Franklin

  Totnes, Devon

  SIR — My thanks to Jim White for identifying the theme tune of the Champions League as being from Zadok the Priest. I always thought they were shouting: “Lasagne”.

  D. Keevil

  Birmingham

  FRUITY FIESTA

  SIR — I have just bought a box of clementines from the supermarket. On the side of the box it says: “Celebrate Spanish Citrus”.

  Never having been asked to do this before, I seek advice from fellow readers on how to proceed. Should I arrange a street party? Or something more low key?

  Anthony Tanney

  Wickham Bishops, Essex

  SIR — I recently bought some French cheese with bilingual packaging. In French it was described as being “pour sandwich”, while in English it was “for baguettes”.

  Christopher Jolly

  Chigwell, Essex

  A CUNNING PLAN(ET)

  SIR — The California Institute of Technology has discovered a ninth planet beyond Pluto. A spokesman described it as “the most planety planet of the solar system”. That spokesman wouldn’t be Professor Edmund Blackadder, would it?