Stop the World, I Want to Get Off... Read online

  Anne Jappie

  Cheltenham, Gloucestershire

  SIR — After many attempts to teach a girlfriend’s daughter to use the word loo rather than toilet, we came to a compromise: loolet.

  S.C.

  East Molesey, Surrey

  SIR — Your correspondent is quite right when she says that pronouncing your own name eccentrically isn’t always snobbery. It is sometimes a matter of necessity. Back in the early years of the last century my grandmother knew a family whose name was Cockshit, which they pronounced “Coeshey”.

  C.A.

  London SE22

  WHEYFUL PUNS

  SIR — Three cheers to Clearfleau for building a power station that runs on waste cheese — definitely the whey to go.

  Godfrey Pratt

  Old Buckenham, Norfolk

  SIR — I have sympathy for the ticket collectors complaining of repetitive strain disorder. I recall a similar problem when a woman working for an international news agency brought the same problem to the attention of the press. I think she was suffering from Reuters cramp.

  Jerry Dixon

  Hythe, Kent

  SIR — “100,000 operations face the axe during doctors’ strike”. I recommend that patients ask for a postponement until the strike is over and the scalpel returns.

  Jim W. Barrack

  Beaconsfield, Buckinghamshire

  SIR — Andy Murray says that “having a baby makes it easier to unwind”. Most of us just blame the dog.

  Tim Barnsley

  London SW16

  SIR — Am I the only person who was convinced that Andy Murray’s daughter would be called Annette?

  Ros Fitton

  Solihull, West Midlands

  SIR —Tracey Emin has married a rock. Does this mean we shall soon be hearing the patter of tiny pebbles?

  Wendy May

  Hereford

  SIR — My mother used to bake scones which were as hard as rock cakes. I would ask: “May I have a scone of stone please?”

  William Neil

  Caversham, Berkshire

  SIR — I drove into Leominster yesterday and thought there must be a Dutch firm opening premises on the outskirts of the town. Then I realised it said “Snack Van Open”.

  Bob Best

  Weobley, Herefordshire

  SIR — “Men’s brains wired to choose sex over food”, you report. I can see this causing problems in restaurants.

  Peter Baines

  Sale, Cheshire.

  SIR — Having read your report about the proposed strike by gravediggers in Naples, I have to wonder if this action will cause a spate of panic dying.

  Vic Storey

  Dereham, Norfolk

  SIR — Men are advised today that carrying a mobile phone in their trousers risks their virility.

  Verdi realised this some 150 years ago when he advised: “La donna è mobile”. I gave our mobile to my wife.

  Tony Pay

  Bridge of Cally, Perthshire

  SIR — In a fit of exasperation with her non-functioning email, my 79-year-old mother declared: “Well, I hope Heaven is analogue.”

  I’ve regrettably had to inform her that it’s cloud-based.

  David Lavelle

  Coneythorpe, North Yorkshire

  SIR — Nice to see the Rolling Stones formally making an exhibition of themselves.

  David E. Owen

  Eldwick, West Yorkshire

  SIR — With voters shifting towards an EU exit, does that mean we have now entered a “winter of discontinent”?

  Scott Charleston

  Dunfermline, Fife

  SIR — I fear that the referendum will result in the Untied Kingdom.

  Charles Cocking

  South Pool, Devon

  SIR — Has the time not come for the EU to replace its anthem, Ode to Joy, with Owed to Germany?

  Philip Wilson-Sharp

  Fordwich, Kent

  SIR — If Finland had an EU referendum would their Out Campaign be called Fixit?

  Bruce Chalmers

  Goring by Sea, West Sussex

  SIR — Is there a better name for a person who hops from one highly paid job to another in the public sector than quango-roo?

  Harry Ellis

  Glasbury on Wye, Herefordshire

  SIR — Surely the closing concert of the new BBC Proms series to be launched in Australia should be called the Last Night of the Poms?

  Dennis Waterman

  Ashburton, Devon

  SIR — My thanks to the Australian Police for confirming that the discovery of £500 million worth of drugs hidden in bra inserts was indeed one of Australia’s biggest drug busts.

  Dr Alan R. Brace

  Holcombe, Devon

  SIR — With degree-level entry a minimum requirement, will police constables be too posh to cosh?

  Jane Thomson

  Godalming, Surrey

  SIR — Congratulations to Major Tim Peake on winning the Great British Take Off.

  Rodney Chadburn

  Tattingstone, Suffolk

  SIR — Because of the smoking at work regulations do the astronauts at the ISS have to go outside for a fag?

  John Elliott

  Broughton Astley, Leicestershire

  SIR — Could a group of people smoking e-cigarettes be described as a nest of vapers?

  Derry Gibb

  Epping, Essex

  SIR — Please don’t get rid of 1p and 2p coins. I recently visited England and filled my pockets with such unwanted coinage. I found the change did me good.

  Dr John Doherty

  Vienna, Austria

  SIR — On today’s interview with Andrew Marr, George Osborne began every reply with “Well…” — even though he often did not answer the question. Does he think that where there’s a well there’s a way?

  Frank Hill

  Malvern, Worcestershire

  SIR — Should we regard the Labour leader’s closest adherents as being Corbyn copies?

  W.I. Hooke

  Rugby

  SIR — The subtitles for the forthcoming ITV series on Shakespeare inform us that we shall be anticipating it with “baited breath”. Sounds fishy to me.

  Robert Vincent

  Wildhern, Hampshire

  SIR — I have heard that the next Mary Berry spin-off will look at fortified wine on a ship from Northern Ireland to the Republic of Ireland: The Mary Berry Derry to Kerry Sherry Ferry.

  David Evans

  Lymington, Hampshire

  SIR — Your television review of the final episode of War and Peace worries that “Sunday nights won’t be the same”.

  Don’t panic. The BBC is already planning a retro series featuring vegetables cooked by Nigella in an especially low-cut empire dress: Phwoar and Peas.

  Allan Reese

  Forston, Dorset

  BOX GOGGLERS

  DOWNTON DIRECTIONS DEMISE

  SIR — I have not seen a single second of Downton Abbey, but the demise of the series will be hard to bear. It has served as a useful reference point when describing where I live to American colleagues who assume all of us over here live in London.

  “Do you know Downton Abbey? Well, I live near to that house, surrounded by that beautiful countryside…er, no, I don’t have a butler.”

  Charles Thomas

  Overton, Hampshire

  SIR — Despite the Grantham household endlessly devouring the best culinary fare that Mrs Patmore and her basement buddies have served from 1912 to 1925, it seems that no one has ever done any washing-up. Each week, while my wife keenly follows the plot, I sit keenly waiting for someone to stand over a steaming sink or grab a tea towel. Actually, I don’t think they’ve even got a sink.

  Come to that, I’ve never seen anyone get up from the table, pull an apologetic face, and say: “Sorry, just got to pop to the old, you know…”

  Robert Cox

  Bough Beech, Kent

  SIR — Which will be forgotten first? Downton Abbey or Jer
emy Corbyn?

  Joe Cole

  Wanstrow, Somerset

  SIR — Now that Downton has come to an end the charity shops can expect the return of their collection of sleeveless nylon nightdresses. It was always obvious that no one living in a pre-central-heating building with wide corridors and draughty windows would have wandered around in anything so skimpy.

  Sue Doughty

  Twyford, Berkshire

  SIR — I fear we never watched Downton Abbey since we saw a trailer in which the senior couple (whoever they may be) were shown in a double bed. This display of proletarian sleeping habits was an anachronism. My mother attributed the fecundity of the poor entirely to the dearth of bedrooms — an issue not considered in the conditions for the bedroom tax.

  We have pursued an active married life for some 60 years without the need for sharing a sleeping place.

  Many of the regrettable incidents in Downton Abbey, of which we have heard rumours, should surely be put down to mistaking a bedroom for a bordello.

  Quentin de la Bedoyere

  London SW19

  SIR — Television dramas seem to suggest that the room in which one entertains guests is called the bedroom.

  Professor Mark Hill QC

  London EC4

  POLDARK’S PECS

  SIR — Having spent much of my life at boarding school, in the Royal Navy and in rugby changing rooms, I have seen tens of thousands of men with their shirts off but never one who looked remotely like the Poldark chap. This, presumably, is because they had better things to do than spend two hours a day in gymnasiums for cosmetic purposes.

  Iain Gordon

  Barnstaple, Devon

  PEACE AT LAST

  SIR — Hooray for the BBC. At last I know the ending to War and Peace.

  L. Lines

  Wadebridge, Cornwall

  SIR — Am I the only person to be amazed that Pierre managed to keep his glasses on throughout his visit to the battlefield of Borodino?

  Hubert Pragnell

  Canterbury, Kent

  SIR — The letter concerning the great length of War and Peace reminded me of how grateful I was for this when travelling in rural Afghanistan in the 1970s (something one could barely contemplate today).

  Having been laid low with an attack of dysentery, the only available source of lavatory paper was my copy of War and Peace. Reading rapidly, its nearly 1,500 pages proved to be just enough. Thank you, Tolstoy.

  Keith Bradford

  Penn, Buckinghamshire

  SIR — I made short work of War and Peace whilst breastfeeding a voracious newborn throughout the night.

  The only skill required was the deft juggling of a tiny baby with an enormous paperback.

  Adrianne Alun-Jones

  Stratford-upon-Avon, Warwickshire

  SIR — Woody Allen can help those of your readers who find War and Peace a monumental struggle. Allen said: “I speed-read it. It’s about some Russians.”

  Andy Palmer

  Mappowder, Dorset

  SIR — It is worrying to learn that when he wrote War and Peace Tolstoy forgot to include incest and other spicy titbits. We are indebted to BBC producers for putting right his omissions.

  Agatha Christie was also very remiss in not anticipating twenty-first-century mores when she forgot to alter the N-word in her original title, which was recently changed by the BBC to And Then There Were None. Happily, the BBC was able to divert attention from her mistake by several injections of the F-word which she had also forgotten.

  P.A.

  Somerton, Somerset

  SIR — Once again the BBC failed to do justice to Tolstoy in the final episode of War and Peace. Where, pray, was the lengthy second epilogue setting out the author’s critique of historiography and philosophy? “Dumbing down” strikes once more.

  John Oxley

  London E15

  PESTON BREAK

  SIR — I am deeply saddened that Robert Peston has deviated to ITV. Where now is the incentive to do the washing up? His presence on the BBC’s Six O’Clock News ensured a swift exit to the kitchen.

  Jeff Palmer

  Durham

  SIR — First in the firing line were the tie-less Greek politicians; then Evan Davis on Newsnight; then Jeremy Corbyn for his sartorial inelegance; now Robert Peston, whose “relaxed” dress sense is under scrutiny.

  Isn’t it time that male politicians and journalists were judged, like their female counterparts, on what they think and say, rather than on how they dress?

  After all, they are more than just pretty faces.

  Dr Steven Field

  Wokingham, Berkshire

  TV TANTRUMS

  SIR — It is interesting to read that Louise Minchin has complained to the BBC that her co-presenter Dan Walker is sitting in the best seat. My son and daughter used to argue endlessly over the very same thing — but they were three and five at the time.

  Alan Elliott

  Sudbury, Suffolk

  SIR — With left-wing bias burnt into the DNA of the BBC it is hardly surprising that the presenters are fighting over who should sit in the furthest left seat on the sofa.

  Martin Armstrong

  Tunbridge Wells, Kent

  SIR — A gentleman should always have the lady to his left. How else might he wield his sword in her defence or even raise his hat with his right hand unencumbered?

  J.C.D. Patterson

  Manningtree, Essex

  SIR — Why doesn’t Louise Minchin sit on Dan Walker’s lap on the favoured side with a cat on the other end for balance? This would give a whole new slant to the programme and certainly increase ratings.

  Chris Ebeling

  Hundson, Hertfordshire

  SIR — Surely the problem with male/female presenters could easily be solved by ridding us of the “old” gentlemen presenters — who wants to watch John Humphrys and the like when all I have to do is look across my sitting room?

  Eileen Fawdry

  Hampton Hill, Middlesex

  MARITAL CHALLENGE

  SIR — It is annoying that Jeremy Paxman never gives the answer to the final question on University Challenge after the bell has gone as it is invariably the only question I get right, thereby beating my husband who doesn’t get any right.

  Not that we are competitive at all.

  Christine Brown

  Richmond, Surrey

  UNANSWERED QUESTION TIME

  SIR — Waiting in Outpatients to see a Doctor, I fell into conversation with the attendant nurse about the previous evening’s television.

  “I was on Question Time once,” she volunteered. “I was in the audience, right on the front row.”

  “Gosh,” I replied. “That must have been interesting. Who was on the panel?”

  “I can’t remember,” she said. “But David Dimbleby smells wonderful.”

  Sue Ajax-Lewis

  Rustington, West Sussex

  GOODBYE, MASTER CHIPS

  SIR — Why, in the increasingly pretentious concoctions served up as meals on MasterChef, are there never any chips?

  Here up North, no dinner worth eating is without chips, mashed or roasted spuds.

  Brendan Palmer

  Nottingham

  STOP MENTIONING THE WAR

  SIR — After an eight-week stint in the UK I have some news for the television-watching population: World War II is over. It finished 70 years ago.

  Nick Lawther

  Sydney, Australia

  BEST ACTOR IN AN AWKWARD ROLE

  SIR — Should not all the Oscar nominees be given an award for managing to look so delighted when the trophy goes to someone else?

  John Anderson

  Sidmouth, Devon

  CHELSEA FACE SHOW

  SIR — Once more the BBC is to be congratulated on its coverage of the Chelsea Face Show.

  We were treated to a programme full of faces, many of which we had never seen before.

  These faces spoke to one another at length, and so
me were presented with certificates for designing things apparently known as gardens.

  From time to time this fascinating parade of faces was interrupted by a brief view, often at a very strange angle, of — my goodness — flowers. Fortunately, whenever this error occurred it was soon remedied by a swift return to another face.

  Next year can the BBC please show some sense and let us see what the Chelsea Flower Show is really about. They can always make a separate programme about faces.

  Rachel Hart

  Stalmine, Lancashire

  HOW MANY OAPS IS CHRIS EVANS WORTH?

  SIR — Instead of giving the jaw-dropping salaries the BBC pays their celebrities in pounds, why not give it in the number of license-fee payers it takes to satisfy this folly? For example: Chris Evans (11,000 pensioners), Graham Norton (8,935 pensioners), Claudia Winkleman (3,600 pensioners) and Mary Berry (3,400 pensioners).

  Brian Christley

  Abergele, Conwy

  SIR — Can anyone explain what criteria the BBC has in place for selecting the celebrities in Celebrity Mastermind? Certainly it seems that the simple facts of being widely known and able to answer straightforward questions aren’t part of the process, so I wondered what the alternative route for selection might be.

  Steven Broomfield

  Fair Oak, Hampshire

  SIR — May I suggest Daily Telegraph columnists and readers give up the BBC for Lent. Come Easter, they might experience the revelation of just how good the world’s best broadcaster is.